BewilderedSociety.com

With douchebag bingo making it’s internet debut shortly (*cough*) and one of the spaces involving playing Kid Rock on the jukebox, I figured it was time to list the ten most overplayed bar songs. This is a current list, so it may not be the same a year or five years from now, but many of the songs are not new, by any stretch. They are also subject to local bias, as well as biased to the bars we visit.

10. Bonnie Tyler – “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
Released in 1983, Total Eclipse is an example of everything that was wrong with the 80’s. Not even adding the f-bomb to singing this song can save it, and you can expect to hear it nearly every bar trip. While the song does have it’s place (Karaoke) this song is not good enough or interesting enough to still being played at bars. You don’t find Hall and Oats “Maneater” at bars anymore (and the Nelly Furtado version has thankfully died out), so why still play this relic?
Instead play: “Because the Night” by Patti Smith. A much better song that is still a power balled, but replaces the electronic keyboard and guy singing ‘turn around’ with rock and roll. It also features lyrics that are pretty much asexual that everyone knows the words too. It’s also been covered and popularized by artists as diverse as Bruce Springsteen and 10,000 Maniacs, so if you ever get tired of Patti’s version you can just switch it up.

9. Billy Joel – “Piano Man”
Popular obviously because the song takes place and talks about a bar, it’s really a depressing tale of alcoholism and being unable to maintain a life outside a bar, so they all come there, from the closeted gay couple (Paul and Davy) to the old man who wants to hear his song, to the waitresses who want to be politicians to the businessmen who wan the waitresses. Even the bartender isn’t content, as he wants to be in the movies. No one belongs in the place, not even the guy singing. But he’s the only one better than this place. Why would anyone want to hear this song when they are at a bar, doomed to become these people?
Instead play: “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” – George Thurogood Sure, this song isn’t more depressing, but it’s about the weird guy at the bar, it’s not about us. Plus, has there ever been a better song about the healing power of alcohol? “Alcohol” by the Barenaked Ladies or “Beer” by Reel Big Fish are also acceptable alternatives.

8. Bryan Adams – “Summer of ‘69″
Well, I wasn’t alive in 1969 and neither were you. This song takes everything that is bad about John Mellencamp (outside of the whole ‘Cougar’ thing, which has gotten worse with age) and streamlines it into one handy song. Which is great if you like audio torture but bad if you are choosing a song at the jukebox. What happened in the Summer of 1969? Hippies recorded “Give Peace a Chance”, Sharon Tate was murdered, the biggest hurricane in recorded history hit Mississippi and El Salvador invaded Honduras over a soccer game. Sure we landed on the moon and began to pull troops out of Vietnam, but does that make it song worthy? Maybe for someone with more talent than Bryan Adams.
Instead play: “Firecracker” by Ryan Adams A much better ode to summer from a much more talented musician.

7. Def Leppard – “Pour Some Sugar on Me”
This is a song about how people should either A. pour liquor all over each other or B. make out in public, neither of which are really acceptable at the bar. It doesn’t go “pour some sugar on me over in that dark corner where my beer goggles really kick in” after all. Inane lyrics and an annoying sound reinforce the fact that the only truly great thing that ever came out of Def Leppard was their behind the music.
Instead play: “Tom Sawyer” by Rush. Because if you’re going to go 80’s, why not go Rush? At least this song doesn’t sound exactly the same for four and a half minutes.

6. Eddie Money – “Take Me Home Tonight”
Sing this song, and it’s a good bet no one will. This song is about wanting to get some. While that’s what 99% of all songs are about, at least they usually try and cover it up. This song is about fucking you until you run out of juice and pass out. Does that really need to be a song? That we hear at least twice every night?
Instead play: “Love Shack” by the B-52s. Because then at least all the drunk assholes won’t sing along to it thinking it’s about something deep.

5. Kanye West – “Gold Digger”
A decent enough song when it came out, but he’s had singles since then, and I’m sure other rap songs have come out since then with a catchier chours than “get down girl, go ahead get down.” An example of a decent enough song (I mean, it had Jamie Foxx!) wearing out it’s welcome. Maybe in two years it will be come retro-cool again, but for now it’s just annoying.
Instead play: “Paper Planes” by M.I.A. or “I Got a Woman” by Ray Charles. One is the hot rap song of the moment, the other is the song it samples. Either are cooler than playing this stale jam.

4. Bon Jovi – “Livin’ on a Prayer”
No, your not. You’re at a bar. This song seems to brag about making rhymes we learned how to make when we were kids (there/prayer/swear) and is at a constant assault on the ears. Anyone who has heard this song should know why this song should never be played.
Instead play: “November Rain” by Guns n’ Roses. A song that builds up to it’s annoying loud levels allows for a few moments of conversation, and it does it over seven minutes. That’s making the most of your fifty cents.

3. AC/DC – “Thunderstruck”
AC/DC was never known for subtlety. THUNDER! But unless you’re playing the drinking game THUNDER! this song gets a little grating THUNDER! because it seems to last for ever THUNDER! and ever and THUNDER! ever. This song is like THUNDER! rubbing your THUNDER! face in sandpaper and THUNDER! can make THUNDER! conversation THUNDER! difficult. THUNDER!
Instead play: “It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Want to Rock and Roll)” by AC/DC. We don’t want to hear “You Shook Me” either.

2. Journey – “Don’t Stop Believin’”
Knowing all the words to a song is not an acceptable reason to play it. Yes, we all want to hear Don’t Stop Believin when we go to a bar, but we don’t want to hear it 14 times. Once is enough. So, once you play this song, please don’t play it again… or again… or 12 more times. That’s really overkill and ruins what could be a perfectly enjoyable bar song.
“Open Arms” by Journey. They have other songs, you know. At least we haven’t heard this song 15 times by 10pm.

1. Kid Rock – “All Summer Long”
Has there ever been a song where the popularity of the song has been so impossible to figure out? This song is unoriginal (as it samples not one–but two classic songs) and lyrics that were better when they were Bryan Adams “Summer of ‘69″, which isn’t exactly a great song on it’s own merit. Why is this song at the top of the list? Because it’s awful, so just one play is too many, but it gets five or six a night. Also, it opens with a sample of the opening of “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon. Every time it plays I think–or hope–it’s “Werewolves of London” and end up bitterly disappointed.
Instead play: “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon. Better to sing along to, if only because the chorus involved a werewolf howl, and a classic that never grows old. This song isn’t bad the first time or the 100th time. The same can not be said for Kid Rock. Plus, imagine the douchebag outrage when this song comes on and it’s not “All Summer Long.”

Also receiving votes: Don McLean – “American Pie”, Journey – “Wheel in the Sky”, Guns n’ Roses – “Sweet Child O’ Mine”, Garth Brooks – “Friends in Low Places”, Neil Diamond – “Sweet Caroline”, Lynard Skynard – “Sweet Home Alabama”, AC/DC – “You Shook Me All Night Long” The Eagles – “Hotel California”, O.A.R. – “Hey Girl”, Buckcherry – “Crazy Bitch”, Toby Keith – “I Love This Bar”, Van Morrison – “Brown Eyed Girl”, Semisonic – “Closing Time”, anything by Nickelback or Creed

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