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Throughout the NFL playoffs, uber-popular sportswriter Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons from ESPN.com previewed each game through the conference championships by likening the games to a character or incident from the greatest reality TV show ever created: Jersey Shore. For instance, the Colts-Ravens game was Sammi Sweetheart because, “At first glance, super attractive. Upon further review, more trouble than it’s worth. A stay away.” After watching every episode of the greatest reality TV show ever created Jersey Shore and as much NBA basketball as possible, I thought it would be fun to compare every NBA team to a character or incident from the glorious run of the greatest reality TV show ever created Jersey Shore. Enjoy.

Cleveland Cavaliers : Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Is there a better fit for the face of the league LeBron James and the face of Jersey Shore The Situation? Face it, people tune into Jersey Shore to see The Situation. You don’t need me telling you that people tune in to see LeBron as the Cavs are on national television 25 times this season.

Los Angeles Lakers : Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. If people aren’t watching the Cavs, they’re coming to see Kobe and the rest of the Lakers. Snooki serves as the clear, yet unpredictable #2 cast member on Jersey Shore. And really, the possibility that Ron Artest could end up doing flips in a club showing off his thong is not completely out of play.

Orlando Magic/Boston Celtics : Ronnie Margo and Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola. Two teams that will be battling the entire season for two of the top four seeds in the East are reflective of the couple that were always together and fighting on numerous occasions. The biggest question is whether Dwight Howard or Kevin Garnett have feet that look like Fred Flintstone.

Denver Nuggets : Brad Ferro. “Who?” you ask. Ferro is the guy that punched Snooki in the face at Beachcomber Bar & Grill. Likewise, the Nuggets may be the only team in the West that has a shot to knock out the Lakers (Snooki). Ultimately though, the Lakers will rally like Snooki and be fine in the end.

Atlanta Hawks : J-Woww punching The Situation in the face in Atlantic City. A fantastically underrated moment of the show matches perfectly with a very underrated Hawks team. As a bonus, the Hawks are a potential threat to take a shot at the Cavs (The Situation) in the second round in a #1 v. #4 seed series.

Utah Jazz : Vinny Guadagnino. After starting out the season at a pedestrian 19-17, the Jazz have caught fire recently winning 12 of their last 13 games. For the first half of the series, you barely realized that Vinny was there before he came on strong to close out the show.

Dallas Mavericks : Snooki’s love life. A team that brings a lot to the table on paper but is never able to close the deal goes with the girl that tried her hardest to hook up on the Shore and came away empty. The talent is definitely there, but something always stands in the way preventing the ultimate goal from being reached.

Phoenix Suns : Vinny’s family coming to visit and bringing a feast. Similar to the Mavericks, the Suns bring a ton to the table which everyone enjoys. Unfortunately, the fun (or food) can’t last forever and it’s back to sausage and peppers (a good regular season record, little playoff success) for the rest of the time.

San Antonio Spurs : GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry. The three fundamentals to being a Guido are matched with the team best known for its fundamentals in basketball over the years. Much like watching someone doing laundry, the Spurs are boring to watch but they do the necessities.

Oklahoma City Thunder : Pauly “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio. Both feature young up and comers who are making it big this year. Pauly D is booking DJ gigs across the nation while Durant, Westbrook, and Green form one of the most exciting cores of young talent in the NBA.

Portland Trailblazers : Jenni “J-Woww” Farley. One of Bill Simmons’ readers compared Darryl Strawberry’s baseball career to J-Woww in the sense that Strawberry’s drug use prohibited us from seeing his full potential the way that J-Woww having a boyfriend prevented us from seeing her full potential. Translating that same thought process to the NBA, injuries to Greg Oden, Joel Przybilla, Travis Outlaw, Nicolas Batum, and Brandon Roy during the year have prevented us from seeing what the Trailblazers are fully capable of accomplishing. Entertaining for sure, but what are we missing? And really, if nude pictures are going to surface on the Internet of a cast member a la Greg Oden, J-Woww has to be the odds on favorite, right?

Toronto Raptors : Pauly D. putting charcoal in a gas grill and then having The Situation light it. Have you seen the Raptors defense? Giving up a ridiculous 105.2 points a game, the Raptors D has the potential to blow up at any time. Somehow though, it hasn’t, and they currently find themselves as the #5 seed. The cast managed to somehow get around the grill incident and made many more delicious meals on it during the season.

Houston Rockets : Angelina dating a married man. “Jolie” carried on an affair with a married man the same way that the Rockets continue to carry Tracy McGrady on their roster. There is a 0% chance that this ends well for any of the four parties involved here.

Memphis Grizzlies : The Situation making out with Snooki in the hot tub. Episode 7: The Situation essentially calls Snooki fat which brings up memories of her past eating disorder. Episode 9: They are making out like high schoolers on prom night. Zach Randolph made the All Star this team. I suppose the potential was there for both these incidents to happen, but after episode 7/every other year Randolph have played, did we really think this was going to actually come true?

New Orleans Hornets : The Pickle Prank. In a tribute to Snooki’s love of pickles, The Situation randomly placed pickles all over Snooki’s room in the middle of the night. While a decent, good prank in its own right, it was overshadowed by his later prank of putting a concoction of grated cheese, milk, Caesar dressing, mayo and pickle juice under Vinny’s bed. While the Hornets are a decent, good team, they are completely overshadowed in New Orleans by the newly crowned Super Bowl champion Saints.

Chicago Bulls : The Duck Phone. Always seems to be around in the background and just annoying enough that people pay attention to it. Big moment for each: Chicago beating Cleveland earlier in the year. The Situation and Pauly D learning that Ronnie got into a fight on the Boardwalk after getting a call on the duck phone. You’re not going to remember the 09-10 season for the Bulls, and you’re not going to remember Jersey Shore for the duck phone.

Charlotte Bobcats : “Lose 5 or 10 pounds and we’ll talk.” – The Situation after Angelina proclaimed herself as being hot. Boris Diaw and Nazr Mohammed as a starting front court? Charlotte is technically a playoff team as it stands right now, but are they a threat to do anything? Get a front court and we’ll talk.

Miami Heat : Alex. Another “Who?” selection, I know. Alex is the attractive girl that The Situation brings back to the house in episode 6. Unfortunately for The Sitch, she brings two of her much less attractive friends, or as they are better known: grenade launchers. One star surrounded by a lack of talent? Usually a spot reserved for the LeBron in the Cavs prior to 2007, D-Wade and the Heat easily claim this one.

Milwaukee Bucks : Vinny hooking up with Danny’s “The Boss” girl. Along the lines of Brandon Jennings’ 55 point game early on against Golden State, it’s a moment that came completely out of the blue and was intriguing for a short period before everyone forgot about it. The Bucks are technically a threat to make the playoffs as they currently sit .002 percentage points out of the final spot in the East, but does anyone really think they can do damage? No. Does anyone see Vinny as a threat? No.

Los Angeles Clippers : Vinny going out with The Situation’s sister. Terrible decisions made in every aspect associated with these two. Never was going to work from the start, but at least it provided some comedic material along the way. Even back in 1989, Arsenio Hall had the Clippers pegged. “L.A. has everything. If you like basketball, there’s the Lakers. If you don’t like basketball, there’s the Clippers.”

Philadelphia 76ers : Vinny getting pink eye. The Iverson trade showed at least a little bit of hope for a bad franchise, but it never materialized the way that people thought. Vinny’s pink eye storyline showed a glimmer of hope, but ended up resulting in a few minutes of disappointment.

New York Knicks : The Situation’s decision to tell Snooki “Don’t worry, you’ve got a couple,” when Snooki asks for a roll during a dinner conversation. Similar to the Knicks’ decision to clear out cap space for the summer of 2010 to try and land LeBron, Bosh, Wade, or other top tier free agent, the Situation’s comment seemed like a good idea in theory, but it didn’t work out nearly as well in practice. Plus, there’s a 60% chance that the Knicks’ play the past few years has made their fans cry.

Indiana Pacers : J-Woww’s boyfriend Tommy. Nice, young, rarely seen, not good enough for to attract any hot talent, and most of all: white. The same goes for J-Woww’s boyfriend.

Detroit Pistons : The unnamed guy who was knocked out in one punch by Ronnie. The Pistons signings in the offseason of Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon was the equivalent of the guy talking trash to Ronnie. Unfortunately for both, they ended up getting rocked very quickly. The Pistons are currently 22.5 games behind Cleveland and the random guy may still be “sleeping” on the streets of Seaside.

Washington Wizards : Snooki getting punched in the face. The Wizards’ locker room impersonation of the OK Corral with Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton was THE story of the NBA season thus far in the same way that the punch heard ‘round the Shore was THE story of the entire show. It was a great talking point for even casual fans of the NBA and Jersey Shore.

Sacramento Kings : The Situation and Sammi’s “relationship”. Ah yes, one of the forgotten moments of the show corresponds with one of the forgotten teams in the league. Both the Kings and Sammi/Situation started out relatively strong with the Kings, expected to be one of the worst teams in the league, jumping out to a surprising 9-9 record while Sammi and the Situation seem to hit it off on the Boardwalk in the very first episode. Alas, it was not to be as the Kings have lost 13 of their last 14 games and Sammie ended up with Ronnie.

Golden State Warriors : Snooki making herself a bubble bath in Atlantic City. Completely ridiculous. No one knows what’s going on. And if you ask the casual fan to name their favorite moment, it’s probably not cracking the top 50. Just like asking a casual NBA fan to name 4 players on the Warriors. It’s just not happening.

Minnesota Timberwolves : Ronnie’s fights during the show.  The juicehead with a short fuse got into numerous fights during the show’s run? The team that drafted approximately 14 point guards in last year’s draft is struggling this year at 13-38? Gee, who saw either of those coming? Oh, right. Everyone.

New Jersey Nets : Angelina “Jolie” Pivarnick. Angelina checked out of the show in the third episode after refusing to work. The Nets checked out of the season in the third week after refusing to win.

And there you have it. Every team compared to their Jersey Shore equivalent. Just remember everyone: Jersey girls aren’t trash; trash gets picked up.

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