First and foremost let me answer the biggest questions of all.  Yes, this is a pallet of alcohol I happen to be pulling out of the back room of your favorite store.  No, I don’t want to go load it in your car.  No, your joke isn’t funny.  No, you aren’t the first person to make that joke even in the last five minutes.  Yes, the person at the other end of the aisle made the same joke right before you walked by. WHY YES, I do have utter contempt in my heart for you glad you noticed

Why yes I will probably be having some sort of get together with alcohol involved this weekend.  No no there is no need to get excited random person… you will not be getting invited, and your attempt at small talk has bored me more than your inability to pick a good beer or wine.

I’m sorry I didn’t realize the fact that I’m wearing dress slacks, dress shoes, and a polo that says COORS or MILLER on it makes you assume that I work for Target, Kroger, or Marsh.  Did you wonder why my outfit doesn’t look like anyone else’s outfit at the store?  It didn’t strike you as odd that I’m wearing a Lime Green shirt and black pants when everyone at Target is in Red shirts and Khaki pants?… … but yes Bread is in Aisle 5

Dear Mr/Ms Store manager,  I understand you want me to make your store number one in the morning, but I have 20+ accounts.  Someone has got to be last, and let’s be honest with each other… you’re a gas station and not high on my priority list

Cupcake wine is neither sweet nor good.  This is just a heads up

• PIN AUGHT NEW ARE
• PIE NOT GREE GREE OOOOOH
• MEW SKEDDI
• KAY BER NETTI
• MARE LOT
• Seinfeld

If you can’t pronounce it…  you probably shouldn’t buy it.  At the very least just point and say that one.

Asking where in Napa/Sonoma/ect. the winery is located proves what?  I’m obnoxious for knowing even though my job makes me, or you’re obnoxious for asking since you’ve never been to California anyway and you’re buying a $4 “Gree Gree Oh”

The recipe for Moscato is fairly simple.  Sugar+Water+Sugar+Grapes+Sugar-Flavor+Sugar-Dignity+Sugar=Moscato

If another MF’er from Indiana asks if I like Oliver, or if I’ve been to Oliver, or how much I just love all the different types of Oliver, or where can they get more Oliver, or Oliver Oliver Oliver.  I’m not exaggerating or making this up… Oliver uses the old Welch’s grape juice grapes… Concord grapes aren’t meant to make wine, and if you do it tastes like a bag of mashed up a**holes.  Congrats Indiana you’re in love with a big bag of mashed up a**holes.

And on that note… Good luck and Goodnight

It has been quite a long time since I’ve posted anything on here, but its hard when the first five days of the week are spent working for the largest staffing and recruiting firm in the U.S. Not only do I get to enjoy AND partake in screening potential applicants for our clients BUT I get to do it for a minimum of ten hours.  The great thing about my new “career” in staffing is that even when you hit your goals there’s always something else to do.  There is no such thing as an early day.  I don’t want this post to sound like I hate my job because I actually do have fun while I’m there.  While sorting through the never ending assortment of crappy and shoddily put together resumes there are some tidbits that stand out amongst all others.  It’s not quite the bar stories of the past… and it might be some kind of HR violation, but luckily there aren’t any…  there are hardly any… okay so there are some names on here, but I just couldn’t deprive you of the enjoyment I get on a daily basis.  So here it is.  This is my current list of resume bloopers, blunders, and just plain funny stuff.

I’ll start off with the first one that I actually had posted on my facebook for awhile.  This is real.  Someone submitted this to a job posting I had online.  This is how all cover letters should be done.

My name is George Michael and I am an Electrical Engineer and not the talentless lead singer from the 80s pop group Wham.  I have over 8 years experience working in the semiconductor industry as well as a Master Degree in Computer Engineering and yellow belt in Jeet Kune Do.  My leadership skills are unsurpassed as I am a Colonel (level 50) in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, where I lead an online multinational team through several very hostile terrains to capture the other team’s flag.  My military experience and training helped me lead the physical design team of engineers to complete several production level microchips for the telecommunication industry within time and budget.  Great leaders like Ronald Reagan, Joe Biden and Jay-Z know it takes several different skills to complete large projects.  That is why my analog and digital design skills along with my experience as a CAD engineer would make me a perfect candidate for the Entry Level QA position.

My personal favorite is the welder who submitted his resume from Minnesota

I will weld anything. I am the best welder there is in the state of Minnesota.
I will weld the crap out of anything and make it look like one solid grade of steel.
Vertical, horizontall, hell, I can lay on my stomach and weld with a beer in my left hand and some wirefeed and a mig stick in my right while adjusting the heat with my teeth just in case someone throws in a different piece of steel while I am watching the super bowl and eating wings with sauce, and I won’t get any sauce on the finished product.
Find someone like me for $14/hr and I will shit my pants.

This is a civil engineer from a major unnamed school about an hour Northwest of Indianapolis:

I worked for the Double Stink Hog Farm. Every summer from 1999-2004.
Foreman, responsible for other employees, planting,
harvesting, lawn work, and other farm duties.
Also helped train seven employees, two of
which were Spanish speaking. Supervisor: Tom Fister

The first thing I caught was the name of the Hog Farm.  At least the owner new the place was a smelly dump.  I’m also glad that this future civil engineer was able to inform me that two of the seven employees he trained were Spanish speaking.  Although not fluent in Spanish its always good to know that he can still communicate with the foreign farm help.  Lastly I couldn’t keep his Supervisors name out.  I mean maybe it’s because after ten hours you find humor in the little things… or maybe its because I still act like I’m 12 and the last name Fister is funny but I’m hoping I’m not the only one who laughs.

Then there was this girl…

I was the bartender at a local pub. It was a small bar but very busy. I server and made all drinks along with also cooking any food orders that were placed. except for the weekends, we had a cook. I ran the cash register and was able to balance out every night. I also was responsable for any sales of pull tabs and other various things that we had to sell at the bar. I also had to clean, stock the bar, and was left in charge of running the bar by myself.

… and I would walk to my car, and I would start the car, and then I would go home, and I would open the door to my house, and then I would sit down, and I would stare at the wall.  I also had to sleep at some point, eat at some point, and was “responsable” for lists… I was good at listing things and being able to write things in long lists, but I’ve never heard of a bullet point.

This one is like a comedy that turns into a horror movie…

Comments: (Larry Juilian- Manager) Michael May was let go today for numerous reasons: 1-After seeing horseplay taking place (particularly by Michael) in the lab, Larry sent out a letter that it was to all stop. Michael continued, specifically, coming from behind and grabbing the arms people and jumping out of empty boxes to scare people in an environment where serious injury can result from high voltage equipment and soldering equipment. 2-Michael brought car stereo equipment into UTEC to work on after he got projects done. Instead of telling his supervisor he completed the work and getting more to work on, he would work on the stereo equipment or surf the internet for long periods of time. 3-He brought knunchucks onto UTEC’s premises and they have a strict weapons policy. 4-Michael tracked down the contact information of a lab employee whos son requires special care from an at-home nurse. Michael repeatedly asked the employee for pictures of the woman and when the employee said no, Michael found his contact info and called his home. He asked the employees wife for pictures and/or to talk with the caretaker. Michael is not rehireable by United Technologies or Carrier Corporation.

…and of course to end is just a random assortment of snippets from resumes and from notes in our internal system.

Hobbies: Cooking, Origami, Playing flute, chess and outdoor sports especially cricket, volley ball and tennis.

Comments: TT–entry level geologist. Does not really want to work outside because she gets sick easy during the winter

Eli Liyyle Pharmecuticals

called to inform her that beckman decided to move on to other candidates. she was not happy and said “im going to file age discrimination against the company and the only way someone can get on with the company is by knowing someone or bl***** somone”. please pursue with caution

I’m a Geography major, went to Seoul Korea for a year to teach English now I’ve decided I want to be a geologist. (same guy calling back a week later) called in RE: any opps in Environmental. Nothing for him. Stopped mid sentence to say, “I need to shake the dust off, do you mind if I take some time and call you back tomorrow”

Honors-Awarded 5 year on the job pin

Resume Title: succes for your business

Trooble shooted

IVE ALWAYS BEEN A LEADER IN MY LINE OF WORK WEITHER I WAS IN CONTROL OR NOT I HAVE GOOD REFERENCES AT ALL MY COMPANYS IVE BEEN WITH

Rallys Restrunt

2006 Hamburger University Chicago, IL

I SERVICED AND SOLD EQUIPMENT ON THE SPOT I GENERATED NEARLY 900,000.00 IN SALES IN ABOUT 7 MONTHS WHEN THEY STARTED THE SELLING PROGRAM FOR TECHS I WAS ON TRACK TO SELL 1.6 MIL MY FIRST YEAR SELLING BUT THEY STARTED CHEATING ME OUT OF MY COMMISSIONS CAUSE OF GREED AND I HAD TO LEAVE.

NAME-chinchanchewula Coutee

Candidate in interview said, “I’m the shit”  didn’t get the job.  Recruiter asked, “Why did you say that”. “Well, I’m sorry. I got comfortable and that’s my famous phrase.”

September -May2009 : Member of Polytech Robot (ARFIT) team ,creating a robot which could build temples to participate in french robot championship

Domestic engineer=Housewife

Traveling Pig Barn Builder (Hopefully this guy made a stop at the Double Stink Hog Farm)

honestly, not that sharp on the phone. Had a hard time describing his internship to me. Not an experience/personality fit for McDonalds, but sending me his resume. Currently working part time at Target

PLEASE NOTE: I Timothy Jerome Irby do Have Hand Tools………..

OBJECTIVE: Your own entry goes here.

2008    Tom Hopkins University<——-fake university

i be A HELLA HARD WORKER N SHIT, I LIKES TO MAKE A BUTT LOAD OF MONEY SO I CAN BANG BITCHES. IM LIKE MASSIVE STRONG AND AM SUPER SMART SO I BE LIKE THE BEST WORKER IN DA UNIVERSE

5454 BullShit Ave.Appleton, Wisconsin 54956

Guinness World Records Current world record holder for “Most High Fives in 24 Hours”, Final total of high fives: 3,131. September 6^th 2008 (PLEASE look this guy up on wikipedia he’s no longer the record holder, but his quote about high fives is amazing)

Hopefully you all enjoyed a taste of what I get on a daily basis and remember, if you aren’t sure about your resume make sure to have someone else proofread it. (Note: misspellings were left on purpose =)

I was privileged to be able to go back to my old place of employment last week to work one shift (The Locker Room Bar and Grill in good old Muncie, IN)  Yes, I do realize that I have my MBA and that I’ve moved away from that town, but a good way to make quick money is to sling that legal but heavily controlled substance that everyone loves… alcohol.  While I was there I was barraged with an endless supply of, “Do you miss it?”  from any familiar face that found me.  For the first hour, maybe, but then I was re-introduced to the lack of a intelligence which you pray would be the one thing not lacking on a college campus… But then again we all know better.

I don’t expect much when I go to Ball State and enter the bar on either side of the glass, but for some reason this specific trip up to Muncie definitely left a lasting impression.  I was out in Indy the other day having a good time and mixed in with the usual small chat was a slew of politics, global affairs, cooking, discussion about the finer points of drinking and that which we hold close, the drink itself, as well as more small talk.  It sent one home feeling good about the evening.  On the other end of the spectrum we retreat back to my evening in Muncie.  Discussion about how drunk one is, will be, was last night, and has been… over and over… and over again.  It was interesting to see the one flicker of light in a single gentleman that night trying to argue why a $4 drink is way to expensive… What was more interesting was watching me crush this poor chaps argument and soul by telling him to pay me the $4 and enjoy his drink or get out.  Then proceeding to inform him that his $4 drink was an $8 in a city like Indianapolis and a $12 drink in a city like Chicago or New York.  I then waited for, “Thank you sir for enlightening me and setting me on the correct path.” Of course I received no such response.  Maybe he typed it in a letter and realized he didn’t have my address to send it to me.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is whatever happened to having a conversation with people.  I don’t just mean your favorite bartender at your local establishment.  Anyone will suffice.  I mean how much fun can you have with the same conversation repeated one-trillion times?  I’m not sure about the majority but it makes my ears bleed and drives me to want to go play out in traffic just to switch it up a bit.  At the end of the day it is your prerogative as to what you’d like to talk about and how you’d like to conduct your day. All I ask is that you evaluate your conversation, realize it sucks, and step your game up.

If you have anything to add feel free to comment… Maybe we could get a… good conversations going?!

Hosts Kevin Pereira and awesomely gorgeous Olivia Munn test out the new Shake Weight

Kevin and Olivias Shake Weight Flab Busting Trial

A question I hear all the time…  No I’m not sulking around in the women’s locker room, but just about everywhere else… minus the sulking.

I don’t necessarily hear this question directed at me all the time, but I laugh to myself regardless.  The reason I find such humor in this simple question is because the answer is more than obvious 98% of the time.  If I’m sitting down at a restaurant with fork in hand and a joyous morsel of food entering my mouth, don’t be taken aback when you say, “Travis, what are you doing here?!” and my response is an increasingly enthusiastic, “I’m riding a jet ski! What are you doing here?”

I know, I know hard to believe I’d be out eating or better yet that I’d have a sarcastic response to such a basic question.  This isn’t to say don’t ask the question.  There is a  2% chance you actually thought the person was supposed to be out of town, out of the country, or dead.  Moreover if they were supposed to be dead and you see them out I think “what are you doing here?” or “why aren’t you dead?” might be pretty fair questions.

Chances are that if I’m at a bar I’m not there for a killer game of horseshoes or four square.  If you see me at a Macys I’m probably not there for the petting zoo.  For the love of god if I have a beer in my hand at the bar and you think my train is getting ready to leave please grab the beer and push me out the door.  I’m just kidding please don’t grab my beer ever.  That’s like coming between a man and his incessant need to… drink beer.  (Trust me it’s the only analogy where you can just repeat it and it works)

I don’t know if what you’ll take away from this thought is to think before you speak.  If that actually happened I’d be impressed.  More than likely it’ll just create a situation where you see me out and you’ll make a specific point of asking me what I’m doing here.  After I run through my list of seemingly endless witty remarks, and my patience, I might just go straight to a sincere and truthful response, “That’s a great question… I’m never quite sure”

Oh and I love this clip

Wanna hear some good bar stories?

It seems to be the consensus that everyone does.  Since this is just going to be a random assortment of generalized stories (to protect those involved… including myself) I’m going to start with the moral that doubles as the disclaimer.  Don’t be that guy or that girl.  Try with every fiber of your being to not follow in the footsteps of these lesser capable drunkards.

If you think bringing a beer bong into a bar is a good idea, try again.  If you think hiding it under your arm makes it invisible then you probably need to check your existence at the door.

Shaking up your bottle of bud light and spraying it from the nest onto a bunch of random people?  This is a great way to lose some teeth or to find out what you’ve always wanted to know… What pavement ACTUALLY tastes like

There’s always the approach of getting black out drunk, taking all your clothes off and sitting in the stall after vomiting everywhere.  Don’t feel bad for the naked chick in the stall… you have to remember that she took it upon herself to consume 1,000 drinks an hour.  This situation is also where good friends come in handy because it’s hard to get anyone else to want to put your vomit covered clothes back on your naked, pissed on, vomit covered body.

Throwing up or tossing food/drinks on the floor at the bar is always a bad idea.  I’m still not your mom.  I’m more attractive and intelligent then your mom, but none-the-less I am not your mother.  You better be a good cleaner when you’re drunk because you’re cleaning up your own mess.

“WHAT!?!?! I’ve NEVER shown ID at this bar ever, and I come here ALL the time!!!!” is not true… it’s just not true… say it, mumble it, mutter it 1000 times and it’s still not true.  Oh and you’re still not coming in… ever… ever… ever… ever… get it?  good…………. ever.

You may get more balsy when you’re drunk but anyone who has ever uttered the phrase, “I’m a better fighter when I’ve been drinking” is completely joking themselves, and might also be delusional.

If I’m sober and you aren’t, just a heads up, my personal space zone doesn’t shrink.  Oh and your breath smells like rotting flesh, and stale, fermented beer.  I also don’t care about your personal life.  It’s just as boring and insignificant as my personal life… I’m sorry that’s not true either.  Your drunken stories about your personal life will never amount to how awesome mine is on a Sober night.

Throwing the bouncer up against the door after he said you couldn’t come in is a great way to assure at least four things.  1) You’re still not coming in 2) You’re getting throw… hard 3) The officers coming to get your for assault will treat you as a violent threat and will not hesitate to taze you in front of the MT cup 4) We’ll laugh about it for a long time

If you try to sneak a drink out of the bar and its dripping down your leg, not only are you not going to get your drink, but you’re going to look like your bladder exploded for the rest of the night.  Oh and you can’t come back in and get another one… and you’re dumb.

More of a general rule but if you get 86’d from the bar it isn’t personal 99% of the time.  You can almost always come back another night… Almost.  With that being said there’s no need for tears, drunken slurred debate, and there is definitely no need for causing a drunken scene to make yourself look more like a “winner” then you already are.  At least tonight you can take solace in the fact that your mom still loves you… Maybe

Moreover if you are denied entry to the bar no one cares that you were “going to spend money here” or “will never come back again”.  I’ve seen ALL those people come back again, and you spending $20-$40 in the bar that night will pale in comparison to the $1000+ in fines we’ll have to pay if something happens.  Not to mention someone is losing there job because you were a retarded two year old with a sledgehammer and the keys to daddys’ porche

We aren’t the [insert bar down the street here]  I don’t care.  Let me restate that.  I don’t care.  No really, my life will go on and I will sleep just fine tonight.  I also don’t care if its your birthday.  I might force a happy birthday out, or I might say crappy Thursday.  Who has a birthday every year?  I DO! And so does everyone else on campus.  Congratu-fucking-lations.

You don’t decide if you’re a regular.  The regular employees do.  If they don’t know you, you are just some schmuck.

DPS:  You might be an alcoholic if you start a tab on a commercial airline.  Said alcoholic getting a two for one special on the plane only adds to your glory.  That is one for the history books.

If you have a bouncer assigned specifically to make sure “Godzilla” doesn’t make it out of Tokyo but Godzilla is allowed to stay and hang out… and Godzilla is you… you must be an employee having a good night

Telling employees to go fist themselves when they ask you to do something?  Did you know it only takes 7.5 lbs of pressure to rip off the human ear?  True fact, look it up.

Don’t get drunk and try to tell me the hidden meaning behind Poker face by Lady Gaga.  Don’t try and tell me the hidden meaning behind anything Lady Gaga.  Unless you want to drink rum and cokes minus the rum the rest of the night

The specials board is in the same place it always has been at every bar.  They don’t change the format of the bar and switch around the specials board location once a week.  This leads to another great point… I’m glad you want a U-call it, but saying, “Yeah I’ll have one of those U-Call it thingies” means I need to see your ID again.  It isn’t a thingy first off, and secondly it involves you telling me what in the holy high hell you actually want.  I’m not a mind reader I’m a bartender, a damn good one at that, but regardless the U on the board stands for YOU…. yes you the patron.  If you aren’t ready to order prepare to be skipped or ridiculed in front of all your friends.  I have no qualms with you looking like a huge jackass.

FINALLY… Don’t stop believing is the worst song in the world.  I will personally kick the everliving shit out of anyone who thinks they can argue this point.  Don’t stop believing is not related to your shitty life.  Don’t stop believing is not an inspirational song.  You are not a small town girl and the only lonely world you’ll be living in is the one out on the street when I tear into how obnoxiously hideous, annoying and all together unintelligent you are… Shortly there after you balling outside on the street will then feel very very lonely.  That’s the point when you need to stop believing.

If you can’t help yourself and you decide to be the start, middle, or end of one of these stories.  Next time you’re in just find the person who you wronged and make it right.  We know your mental faculties were lacking that night and we don’t hold a grudge.

Going green is the fad of the day, but it seems to be coupled with a re-emergence of Veganism and Vegetarianism.  Two words that should have never been invented.  I could argue about it all day… but why say something that is best said by someone else?

Guiltless grill? Is there another kind? I was looking over a menu in a restaurant the other day when I saw a section for vegetarians; I thought to myself “boy, I sure am glad that I’m not a meat-hating fascist” and I skipped on to the steak section (because I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay $15 for an alfalfa sandwich, slice of cucumber and a scoop of cold cottage cheese)

Read the first article and still can’t get enough?  Well you can always sponsor a vegetarian… Sorry for offending all you vegetarians out there with this post.  If you are completely offended though please feel free to let me know so I can go on not giving a shit.

Who wants a drink?!?!

Well, I know I do!

One of my friends, dare I say colleagues, wrote an article a couple of months ago on revitalizing the village.  To which there was a huge response.  I was pretty transfixed on one specific comment though.  The comment was about Ball State students just being visitors on their way to bigger and better things.  The average student IS only drinking for two years, legally, before they do move on.  Unless you’re like the afore mentioned “colleague” and myself who are at the six year mark in Funcie, four of which in the bar phase of our lives.  When I go into work, regardless of my task for the night, (Bartender, Server, Bouncer) I can be sure of a couple things.  The regulars will trickle in, make their rounds, and find their spot.  At least one person will come to the door too drunk, be denied, and throw a fit or ask for the manager which is not a good idea… trust me… the answer will just be a more enthusiastic no.  Someone will go into one of the restrooms and punch, kick, spit, bite, lose their lunch, or generally make a mess.  Someone will fall out of a chair or down the stairs, and if it’s a REAL good one we’ll mark the time and watch it over and over again on the camera.  Someone will order food and more will end up on the carpet then the persons’ mouth.  Lastly we can all be sure that everyone will pretend they didn’t hear the staff say time to go so that they can hang on to three minutes and thirty seconds extra drinking time… In case the five hours previous wasn’t enough

Oh I almost forgot, you can be sure people will come in and spend $40+ on alcohol and $0 on tip.  Let me make this clear.  If you don’t have the money to tip a person who is serving you and is making $2.13 an hour because they work strictly on tips… You shouldn’t be out… period… or you should go play in traffic.  Don’t bother trying to refute this.  Anyone who says otherwise has never worked a service job, and has no right to comment.  If you have and you still decide I’m wrong, I’m not but thanks.  As is the case with most things

I mean I work at a certain establishment that had a basketball game up and running for one full night before some drunk Godzilla came and demolished that.  You make snide remarks about how gross the bathrooms are, and then you stand next to the trashcan and throw your paper towel on the floor.  These are the same people who take plastic shot glasses, throw them on the floor and stomp on them like you’re at a bar mitzvah

Out of all the aforementioned things I can be sure of, most of them are of a negative stature or impact.  I mean if you’re a visitor in someone else’s home do you sit at the dinner table and launch your food onto their carpet or take your beer and shake it in their face?  Granted most homes you visit don’t compare to Muncie, Ind.  Regardless you should take pride in yourself and respect others, especially those serving you the nectar of the gods.  Again, trust me on this one.

Because I am pretty sure that not only will the Shake Weight tone your arms in 6 minutes a day, but that it will also better prepare you to jack a guy off in the same amount of time… or less! Just think about how many more johns you could satisfy during a busy night on the strip. Soon they’ll be asking for you by name… It practically pays for itself! [A dollop of daisy]

As a side note the gay community is up in arms over the statement that this is designed specifically for women.