It has been quite a long time since I’ve posted anything on here, but its hard when the first five days of the week are spent working for the largest staffing and recruiting firm in the U.S. Not only do I get to enjoy AND partake in screening potential applicants for our clients BUT I get to do it for a minimum of ten hours.  The great thing about my new “career” in staffing is that even when you hit your goals there’s always something else to do.  There is no such thing as an early day.  I don’t want this post to sound like I hate my job because I actually do have fun while I’m there.  While sorting through the never ending assortment of crappy and shoddily put together resumes there are some tidbits that stand out amongst all others.  It’s not quite the bar stories of the past… and it might be some kind of HR violation, but luckily there aren’t any…  there are hardly any… okay so there are some names on here, but I just couldn’t deprive you of the enjoyment I get on a daily basis.  So here it is.  This is my current list of resume bloopers, blunders, and just plain funny stuff.

I’ll start off with the first one that I actually had posted on my facebook for awhile.  This is real.  Someone submitted this to a job posting I had online.  This is how all cover letters should be done.

My name is George Michael and I am an Electrical Engineer and not the talentless lead singer from the 80s pop group Wham.  I have over 8 years experience working in the semiconductor industry as well as a Master Degree in Computer Engineering and yellow belt in Jeet Kune Do.  My leadership skills are unsurpassed as I am a Colonel (level 50) in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, where I lead an online multinational team through several very hostile terrains to capture the other team’s flag.  My military experience and training helped me lead the physical design team of engineers to complete several production level microchips for the telecommunication industry within time and budget.  Great leaders like Ronald Reagan, Joe Biden and Jay-Z know it takes several different skills to complete large projects.  That is why my analog and digital design skills along with my experience as a CAD engineer would make me a perfect candidate for the Entry Level QA position.

My personal favorite is the welder who submitted his resume from Minnesota

I will weld anything. I am the best welder there is in the state of Minnesota.
I will weld the crap out of anything and make it look like one solid grade of steel.
Vertical, horizontall, hell, I can lay on my stomach and weld with a beer in my left hand and some wirefeed and a mig stick in my right while adjusting the heat with my teeth just in case someone throws in a different piece of steel while I am watching the super bowl and eating wings with sauce, and I won’t get any sauce on the finished product.
Find someone like me for $14/hr and I will shit my pants.

This is a civil engineer from a major unnamed school about an hour Northwest of Indianapolis:

I worked for the Double Stink Hog Farm. Every summer from 1999-2004.
Foreman, responsible for other employees, planting,
harvesting, lawn work, and other farm duties.
Also helped train seven employees, two of
which were Spanish speaking. Supervisor: Tom Fister

The first thing I caught was the name of the Hog Farm.  At least the owner new the place was a smelly dump.  I’m also glad that this future civil engineer was able to inform me that two of the seven employees he trained were Spanish speaking.  Although not fluent in Spanish its always good to know that he can still communicate with the foreign farm help.  Lastly I couldn’t keep his Supervisors name out.  I mean maybe it’s because after ten hours you find humor in the little things… or maybe its because I still act like I’m 12 and the last name Fister is funny but I’m hoping I’m not the only one who laughs.

Then there was this girl…

I was the bartender at a local pub. It was a small bar but very busy. I server and made all drinks along with also cooking any food orders that were placed. except for the weekends, we had a cook. I ran the cash register and was able to balance out every night. I also was responsable for any sales of pull tabs and other various things that we had to sell at the bar. I also had to clean, stock the bar, and was left in charge of running the bar by myself.

… and I would walk to my car, and I would start the car, and then I would go home, and I would open the door to my house, and then I would sit down, and I would stare at the wall.  I also had to sleep at some point, eat at some point, and was “responsable” for lists… I was good at listing things and being able to write things in long lists, but I’ve never heard of a bullet point.

This one is like a comedy that turns into a horror movie…

Comments: (Larry Juilian- Manager) Michael May was let go today for numerous reasons: 1-After seeing horseplay taking place (particularly by Michael) in the lab, Larry sent out a letter that it was to all stop. Michael continued, specifically, coming from behind and grabbing the arms people and jumping out of empty boxes to scare people in an environment where serious injury can result from high voltage equipment and soldering equipment. 2-Michael brought car stereo equipment into UTEC to work on after he got projects done. Instead of telling his supervisor he completed the work and getting more to work on, he would work on the stereo equipment or surf the internet for long periods of time. 3-He brought knunchucks onto UTEC’s premises and they have a strict weapons policy. 4-Michael tracked down the contact information of a lab employee whos son requires special care from an at-home nurse. Michael repeatedly asked the employee for pictures of the woman and when the employee said no, Michael found his contact info and called his home. He asked the employees wife for pictures and/or to talk with the caretaker. Michael is not rehireable by United Technologies or Carrier Corporation.

…and of course to end is just a random assortment of snippets from resumes and from notes in our internal system.

Hobbies: Cooking, Origami, Playing flute, chess and outdoor sports especially cricket, volley ball and tennis.

Comments: TT–entry level geologist. Does not really want to work outside because she gets sick easy during the winter

Eli Liyyle Pharmecuticals

called to inform her that beckman decided to move on to other candidates. she was not happy and said “im going to file age discrimination against the company and the only way someone can get on with the company is by knowing someone or bl***** somone”. please pursue with caution

I’m a Geography major, went to Seoul Korea for a year to teach English now I’ve decided I want to be a geologist. (same guy calling back a week later) called in RE: any opps in Environmental. Nothing for him. Stopped mid sentence to say, “I need to shake the dust off, do you mind if I take some time and call you back tomorrow”

Honors-Awarded 5 year on the job pin

Resume Title: succes for your business

Trooble shooted

IVE ALWAYS BEEN A LEADER IN MY LINE OF WORK WEITHER I WAS IN CONTROL OR NOT I HAVE GOOD REFERENCES AT ALL MY COMPANYS IVE BEEN WITH

Rallys Restrunt

2006 Hamburger University Chicago, IL

I SERVICED AND SOLD EQUIPMENT ON THE SPOT I GENERATED NEARLY 900,000.00 IN SALES IN ABOUT 7 MONTHS WHEN THEY STARTED THE SELLING PROGRAM FOR TECHS I WAS ON TRACK TO SELL 1.6 MIL MY FIRST YEAR SELLING BUT THEY STARTED CHEATING ME OUT OF MY COMMISSIONS CAUSE OF GREED AND I HAD TO LEAVE.

NAME-chinchanchewula Coutee

Candidate in interview said, “I’m the shit”  didn’t get the job.  Recruiter asked, “Why did you say that”. “Well, I’m sorry. I got comfortable and that’s my famous phrase.”

September -May2009 : Member of Polytech Robot (ARFIT) team ,creating a robot which could build temples to participate in french robot championship

Domestic engineer=Housewife

Traveling Pig Barn Builder (Hopefully this guy made a stop at the Double Stink Hog Farm)

honestly, not that sharp on the phone. Had a hard time describing his internship to me. Not an experience/personality fit for McDonalds, but sending me his resume. Currently working part time at Target

PLEASE NOTE: I Timothy Jerome Irby do Have Hand Tools………..

OBJECTIVE: Your own entry goes here.

2008    Tom Hopkins University<——-fake university

i be A HELLA HARD WORKER N SHIT, I LIKES TO MAKE A BUTT LOAD OF MONEY SO I CAN BANG BITCHES. IM LIKE MASSIVE STRONG AND AM SUPER SMART SO I BE LIKE THE BEST WORKER IN DA UNIVERSE

5454 BullShit Ave.Appleton, Wisconsin 54956

Guinness World Records Current world record holder for “Most High Fives in 24 Hours”, Final total of high fives: 3,131. September 6^th 2008 (PLEASE look this guy up on wikipedia he’s no longer the record holder, but his quote about high fives is amazing)

Hopefully you all enjoyed a taste of what I get on a daily basis and remember, if you aren’t sure about your resume make sure to have someone else proofread it. (Note: misspellings were left on purpose =)

Full interview below, until CBS yanks it.

Credit to Kyle Ellis for the image

Throughout the NFL playoffs, uber-popular sportswriter Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons from ESPN.com previewed each game through the conference championships by likening the games to a character or incident from the greatest reality TV show ever created: Jersey Shore. For instance, the Colts-Ravens game was Sammi Sweetheart because, “At first glance, super attractive. Upon further review, more trouble than it’s worth. A stay away.” After watching every episode of the greatest reality TV show ever created Jersey Shore and as much NBA basketball as possible, I thought it would be fun to compare every NBA team to a character or incident from the glorious run of the greatest reality TV show ever created Jersey Shore. Enjoy.

Cleveland Cavaliers : Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Is there a better fit for the face of the league LeBron James and the face of Jersey Shore The Situation? Face it, people tune into Jersey Shore to see The Situation. You don’t need me telling you that people tune in to see LeBron as the Cavs are on national television 25 times this season.

Los Angeles Lakers : Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. If people aren’t watching the Cavs, they’re coming to see Kobe and the rest of the Lakers. Snooki serves as the clear, yet unpredictable #2 cast member on Jersey Shore. And really, the possibility that Ron Artest could end up doing flips in a club showing off his thong is not completely out of play.

Orlando Magic/Boston Celtics : Ronnie Margo and Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola. Two teams that will be battling the entire season for two of the top four seeds in the East are reflective of the couple that were always together and fighting on numerous occasions. The biggest question is whether Dwight Howard or Kevin Garnett have feet that look like Fred Flintstone.

Denver Nuggets : Brad Ferro. “Who?” you ask. Ferro is the guy that punched Snooki in the face at Beachcomber Bar & Grill. Likewise, the Nuggets may be the only team in the West that has a shot to knock out the Lakers (Snooki). Ultimately though, the Lakers will rally like Snooki and be fine in the end.

Atlanta Hawks : J-Woww punching The Situation in the face in Atlantic City. A fantastically underrated moment of the show matches perfectly with a very underrated Hawks team. As a bonus, the Hawks are a potential threat to take a shot at the Cavs (The Situation) in the second round in a #1 v. #4 seed series.

Utah Jazz : Vinny Guadagnino. After starting out the season at a pedestrian 19-17, the Jazz have caught fire recently winning 12 of their last 13 games. For the first half of the series, you barely realized that Vinny was there before he came on strong to close out the show.

Dallas Mavericks : Snooki’s love life. A team that brings a lot to the table on paper but is never able to close the deal goes with the girl that tried her hardest to hook up on the Shore and came away empty. The talent is definitely there, but something always stands in the way preventing the ultimate goal from being reached.

Phoenix Suns : Vinny’s family coming to visit and bringing a feast. Similar to the Mavericks, the Suns bring a ton to the table which everyone enjoys. Unfortunately, the fun (or food) can’t last forever and it’s back to sausage and peppers (a good regular season record, little playoff success) for the rest of the time.

San Antonio Spurs : GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry. The three fundamentals to being a Guido are matched with the team best known for its fundamentals in basketball over the years. Much like watching someone doing laundry, the Spurs are boring to watch but they do the necessities.

Oklahoma City Thunder : Pauly “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio. Both feature young up and comers who are making it big this year. Pauly D is booking DJ gigs across the nation while Durant, Westbrook, and Green form one of the most exciting cores of young talent in the NBA.

Portland Trailblazers : Jenni “J-Woww” Farley. One of Bill Simmons’ readers compared Darryl Strawberry’s baseball career to J-Woww in the sense that Strawberry’s drug use prohibited us from seeing his full potential the way that J-Woww having a boyfriend prevented us from seeing her full potential. Translating that same thought process to the NBA, injuries to Greg Oden, Joel Przybilla, Travis Outlaw, Nicolas Batum, and Brandon Roy during the year have prevented us from seeing what the Trailblazers are fully capable of accomplishing. Entertaining for sure, but what are we missing? And really, if nude pictures are going to surface on the Internet of a cast member a la Greg Oden, J-Woww has to be the odds on favorite, right?

Toronto Raptors : Pauly D. putting charcoal in a gas grill and then having The Situation light it. Have you seen the Raptors defense? Giving up a ridiculous 105.2 points a game, the Raptors D has the potential to blow up at any time. Somehow though, it hasn’t, and they currently find themselves as the #5 seed. The cast managed to somehow get around the grill incident and made many more delicious meals on it during the season.

Houston Rockets : Angelina dating a married man. “Jolie” carried on an affair with a married man the same way that the Rockets continue to carry Tracy McGrady on their roster. There is a 0% chance that this ends well for any of the four parties involved here.

Memphis Grizzlies : The Situation making out with Snooki in the hot tub. Episode 7: The Situation essentially calls Snooki fat which brings up memories of her past eating disorder. Episode 9: They are making out like high schoolers on prom night. Zach Randolph made the All Star this team. I suppose the potential was there for both these incidents to happen, but after episode 7/every other year Randolph have played, did we really think this was going to actually come true?

New Orleans Hornets : The Pickle Prank. In a tribute to Snooki’s love of pickles, The Situation randomly placed pickles all over Snooki’s room in the middle of the night. While a decent, good prank in its own right, it was overshadowed by his later prank of putting a concoction of grated cheese, milk, Caesar dressing, mayo and pickle juice under Vinny’s bed. While the Hornets are a decent, good team, they are completely overshadowed in New Orleans by the newly crowned Super Bowl champion Saints.

Chicago Bulls : The Duck Phone. Always seems to be around in the background and just annoying enough that people pay attention to it. Big moment for each: Chicago beating Cleveland earlier in the year. The Situation and Pauly D learning that Ronnie got into a fight on the Boardwalk after getting a call on the duck phone. You’re not going to remember the 09-10 season for the Bulls, and you’re not going to remember Jersey Shore for the duck phone.

Charlotte Bobcats : “Lose 5 or 10 pounds and we’ll talk.” – The Situation after Angelina proclaimed herself as being hot. Boris Diaw and Nazr Mohammed as a starting front court? Charlotte is technically a playoff team as it stands right now, but are they a threat to do anything? Get a front court and we’ll talk.

Miami Heat : Alex. Another “Who?” selection, I know. Alex is the attractive girl that The Situation brings back to the house in episode 6. Unfortunately for The Sitch, she brings two of her much less attractive friends, or as they are better known: grenade launchers. One star surrounded by a lack of talent? Usually a spot reserved for the LeBron in the Cavs prior to 2007, D-Wade and the Heat easily claim this one.

Milwaukee Bucks : Vinny hooking up with Danny’s “The Boss” girl. Along the lines of Brandon Jennings’ 55 point game early on against Golden State, it’s a moment that came completely out of the blue and was intriguing for a short period before everyone forgot about it. The Bucks are technically a threat to make the playoffs as they currently sit .002 percentage points out of the final spot in the East, but does anyone really think they can do damage? No. Does anyone see Vinny as a threat? No.

Los Angeles Clippers : Vinny going out with The Situation’s sister. Terrible decisions made in every aspect associated with these two. Never was going to work from the start, but at least it provided some comedic material along the way. Even back in 1989, Arsenio Hall had the Clippers pegged. “L.A. has everything. If you like basketball, there’s the Lakers. If you don’t like basketball, there’s the Clippers.”

Philadelphia 76ers : Vinny getting pink eye. The Iverson trade showed at least a little bit of hope for a bad franchise, but it never materialized the way that people thought. Vinny’s pink eye storyline showed a glimmer of hope, but ended up resulting in a few minutes of disappointment.

New York Knicks : The Situation’s decision to tell Snooki “Don’t worry, you’ve got a couple,” when Snooki asks for a roll during a dinner conversation. Similar to the Knicks’ decision to clear out cap space for the summer of 2010 to try and land LeBron, Bosh, Wade, or other top tier free agent, the Situation’s comment seemed like a good idea in theory, but it didn’t work out nearly as well in practice. Plus, there’s a 60% chance that the Knicks’ play the past few years has made their fans cry.

Indiana Pacers : J-Woww’s boyfriend Tommy. Nice, young, rarely seen, not good enough for to attract any hot talent, and most of all: white. The same goes for J-Woww’s boyfriend.

Detroit Pistons : The unnamed guy who was knocked out in one punch by Ronnie. The Pistons signings in the offseason of Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon was the equivalent of the guy talking trash to Ronnie. Unfortunately for both, they ended up getting rocked very quickly. The Pistons are currently 22.5 games behind Cleveland and the random guy may still be “sleeping” on the streets of Seaside.

Washington Wizards : Snooki getting punched in the face. The Wizards’ locker room impersonation of the OK Corral with Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton was THE story of the NBA season thus far in the same way that the punch heard ‘round the Shore was THE story of the entire show. It was a great talking point for even casual fans of the NBA and Jersey Shore.

Sacramento Kings : The Situation and Sammi’s “relationship”. Ah yes, one of the forgotten moments of the show corresponds with one of the forgotten teams in the league. Both the Kings and Sammi/Situation started out relatively strong with the Kings, expected to be one of the worst teams in the league, jumping out to a surprising 9-9 record while Sammi and the Situation seem to hit it off on the Boardwalk in the very first episode. Alas, it was not to be as the Kings have lost 13 of their last 14 games and Sammie ended up with Ronnie.

Golden State Warriors : Snooki making herself a bubble bath in Atlantic City. Completely ridiculous. No one knows what’s going on. And if you ask the casual fan to name their favorite moment, it’s probably not cracking the top 50. Just like asking a casual NBA fan to name 4 players on the Warriors. It’s just not happening.

Minnesota Timberwolves : Ronnie’s fights during the show.  The juicehead with a short fuse got into numerous fights during the show’s run? The team that drafted approximately 14 point guards in last year’s draft is struggling this year at 13-38? Gee, who saw either of those coming? Oh, right. Everyone.

New Jersey Nets : Angelina “Jolie” Pivarnick. Angelina checked out of the show in the third episode after refusing to work. The Nets checked out of the season in the third week after refusing to win.

And there you have it. Every team compared to their Jersey Shore equivalent. Just remember everyone: Jersey girls aren’t trash; trash gets picked up.

Oh – he’s only nine years old.

It’s three games into Uncle Stan’s tenure as head coach of the Ball State Fighting Cardinals, and signs are already appearing that the chirping fans are ready to see him go.

Behold FireStanParrish.com, an under-construction website devoted to the ultimate demise of the newest Cardinal football coach.

(Ironically, the page ganks this welcome graphic from BallStateSports.com.)
Thanks to Kyle Ellis for the find.

Student Michael Daly outlines the gym rats’ attitudes in the piece:

While I was in the Williams Center weight room April 10, three athletes from one of UW-Whitewater’s elite programs attempted to work out, independent of their team, without handing over their student IDs. They had their IDs, they just simply didn’t want to perform the laborious task of handing them over to the Williams Center employees. One athlete was cooperative, a second eventually forked over his ID, but the third refused until the police were called. That’s right; the police were summoned because an athlete wouldn’t take his ID out of his wallet and hand it to the employee. Nothing really happened, and all three were allowed to stay after wasting everyone’s time.

The column angered coach Lance Leipold to the point of a hastly written e-mail with foul language. Something you never, ever want to send a journalist, as the Purple confirms:

“This is [expletive deleted] bullshit,” Leipold said. “It’s going to be a bitch to try to cover football next season.”

Moreover, Leipold made it clear anyone affiliated with the student-run newspaper could not call anyone associated with the football team unless he approves. Furthermore, his athletes and coaches will not be allowed to answer questions from student reporters at games for the 2009 season, Leipold threatened.

“The door is shut,” Leipold said. “Go cover soccer, I have [head coach] Greg Henschel’s number, I’m sure that will be fun.”

Don’t worry, he’s sorry now though. He’s also keeping his job.

Seems the players aren’t the only spoiled ones in athletics.

[via Romenesko]

Yes, Kent State suspended Singletary from the next game, in the MAC tournament no less. SIngletary’s no stranger to trouble, and, while an alright player, no player is good enough to get away with that kind of cheap shot. Kent State beat Northern Illinois today in the first round of the MAC Tournament, so we’ll see what they do about the Singletary problem before Thursday’s game. You got to believe the refs are going to be looking for any excuse to call a foul on him.

The Ball State Daily News is talking about how Chris Miller may not see the field much in his last game as the team’s punter (don’t worry, he’ll play plenty in the NFL), how defense will be the difference despite two powerful offenses, how Phil Simms (and everyone else) likes Nate Davis and keeping us up to date on the weather.

The Star Press is offering an article on Nate Davis’ draft situation and a live chat with Greg Fallon! Yay!

Finally, and most importantly, we present conclusive evidence that the words to the fight song are not that hard to learn (and also are adorable):

Cue flashy banner ad:

Some of my personal favorite references were shout outs to Muncie: “765,” “47306 yeah that’s Ball State” and “Remember 08? We went a dozen and ohh.”

The new Ball State Anthem that encompasses the life of the student, fan, and resident of Ball State University made by Ball State’s own, Tha Paper Boiz!! -Facebook

The group has a mass following but you don’t have to take my word for it:

539 members including Stephanie Cope and Joe Cermak!

Band and merchandise info after the jump

The Paper Boiz includes: Young Mak (Justin McDowell), The Prophit (Brandon Netherton) and their producer Mike Hodson. According to their website they are all sophomores at Ball State and you may have seen them performing at the Tally (the student center) and Pruis Hall.

These “boiz” also know how to market themselves:

I <3 Tha Paper Boiz $12

This is the biggest thing to hit Muncie, Ind. since … Lazy Muncie! The only other thing I can say is that this rap screams for a music video … seriously this needs to be on the youtubes for this viral infection to go full speed ahead.