First and foremost let me answer the biggest questions of all.  Yes, this is a pallet of alcohol I happen to be pulling out of the back room of your favorite store.  No, I don’t want to go load it in your car.  No, your joke isn’t funny.  No, you aren’t the first person to make that joke even in the last five minutes.  Yes, the person at the other end of the aisle made the same joke right before you walked by. WHY YES, I do have utter contempt in my heart for you glad you noticed

Why yes I will probably be having some sort of get together with alcohol involved this weekend.  No no there is no need to get excited random person… you will not be getting invited, and your attempt at small talk has bored me more than your inability to pick a good beer or wine.

I’m sorry I didn’t realize the fact that I’m wearing dress slacks, dress shoes, and a polo that says COORS or MILLER on it makes you assume that I work for Target, Kroger, or Marsh.  Did you wonder why my outfit doesn’t look like anyone else’s outfit at the store?  It didn’t strike you as odd that I’m wearing a Lime Green shirt and black pants when everyone at Target is in Red shirts and Khaki pants?… … but yes Bread is in Aisle 5

Dear Mr/Ms Store manager,  I understand you want me to make your store number one in the morning, but I have 20+ accounts.  Someone has got to be last, and let’s be honest with each other… you’re a gas station and not high on my priority list

Cupcake wine is neither sweet nor good.  This is just a heads up

• PIN AUGHT NEW ARE
• PIE NOT GREE GREE OOOOOH
• MEW SKEDDI
• KAY BER NETTI
• MARE LOT
• Seinfeld

If you can’t pronounce it…  you probably shouldn’t buy it.  At the very least just point and say that one.

Asking where in Napa/Sonoma/ect. the winery is located proves what?  I’m obnoxious for knowing even though my job makes me, or you’re obnoxious for asking since you’ve never been to California anyway and you’re buying a $4 “Gree Gree Oh”

The recipe for Moscato is fairly simple.  Sugar+Water+Sugar+Grapes+Sugar-Flavor+Sugar-Dignity+Sugar=Moscato

If another MF’er from Indiana asks if I like Oliver, or if I’ve been to Oliver, or how much I just love all the different types of Oliver, or where can they get more Oliver, or Oliver Oliver Oliver.  I’m not exaggerating or making this up… Oliver uses the old Welch’s grape juice grapes… Concord grapes aren’t meant to make wine, and if you do it tastes like a bag of mashed up a**holes.  Congrats Indiana you’re in love with a big bag of mashed up a**holes.

And on that note… Good luck and Goodnight

I was privileged to be able to go back to my old place of employment last week to work one shift (The Locker Room Bar and Grill in good old Muncie, IN)  Yes, I do realize that I have my MBA and that I’ve moved away from that town, but a good way to make quick money is to sling that legal but heavily controlled substance that everyone loves… alcohol.  While I was there I was barraged with an endless supply of, “Do you miss it?”  from any familiar face that found me.  For the first hour, maybe, but then I was re-introduced to the lack of a intelligence which you pray would be the one thing not lacking on a college campus… But then again we all know better.

I don’t expect much when I go to Ball State and enter the bar on either side of the glass, but for some reason this specific trip up to Muncie definitely left a lasting impression.  I was out in Indy the other day having a good time and mixed in with the usual small chat was a slew of politics, global affairs, cooking, discussion about the finer points of drinking and that which we hold close, the drink itself, as well as more small talk.  It sent one home feeling good about the evening.  On the other end of the spectrum we retreat back to my evening in Muncie.  Discussion about how drunk one is, will be, was last night, and has been… over and over… and over again.  It was interesting to see the one flicker of light in a single gentleman that night trying to argue why a $4 drink is way to expensive… What was more interesting was watching me crush this poor chaps argument and soul by telling him to pay me the $4 and enjoy his drink or get out.  Then proceeding to inform him that his $4 drink was an $8 in a city like Indianapolis and a $12 drink in a city like Chicago or New York.  I then waited for, “Thank you sir for enlightening me and setting me on the correct path.” Of course I received no such response.  Maybe he typed it in a letter and realized he didn’t have my address to send it to me.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is whatever happened to having a conversation with people.  I don’t just mean your favorite bartender at your local establishment.  Anyone will suffice.  I mean how much fun can you have with the same conversation repeated one-trillion times?  I’m not sure about the majority but it makes my ears bleed and drives me to want to go play out in traffic just to switch it up a bit.  At the end of the day it is your prerogative as to what you’d like to talk about and how you’d like to conduct your day. All I ask is that you evaluate your conversation, realize it sucks, and step your game up.

If you have anything to add feel free to comment… Maybe we could get a… good conversations going?!

Wanna hear some good bar stories?

It seems to be the consensus that everyone does.  Since this is just going to be a random assortment of generalized stories (to protect those involved… including myself) I’m going to start with the moral that doubles as the disclaimer.  Don’t be that guy or that girl.  Try with every fiber of your being to not follow in the footsteps of these lesser capable drunkards.

If you think bringing a beer bong into a bar is a good idea, try again.  If you think hiding it under your arm makes it invisible then you probably need to check your existence at the door.

Shaking up your bottle of bud light and spraying it from the nest onto a bunch of random people?  This is a great way to lose some teeth or to find out what you’ve always wanted to know… What pavement ACTUALLY tastes like

There’s always the approach of getting black out drunk, taking all your clothes off and sitting in the stall after vomiting everywhere.  Don’t feel bad for the naked chick in the stall… you have to remember that she took it upon herself to consume 1,000 drinks an hour.  This situation is also where good friends come in handy because it’s hard to get anyone else to want to put your vomit covered clothes back on your naked, pissed on, vomit covered body.

Throwing up or tossing food/drinks on the floor at the bar is always a bad idea.  I’m still not your mom.  I’m more attractive and intelligent then your mom, but none-the-less I am not your mother.  You better be a good cleaner when you’re drunk because you’re cleaning up your own mess.

“WHAT!?!?! I’ve NEVER shown ID at this bar ever, and I come here ALL the time!!!!” is not true… it’s just not true… say it, mumble it, mutter it 1000 times and it’s still not true.  Oh and you’re still not coming in… ever… ever… ever… ever… get it?  good…………. ever.

You may get more balsy when you’re drunk but anyone who has ever uttered the phrase, “I’m a better fighter when I’ve been drinking” is completely joking themselves, and might also be delusional.

If I’m sober and you aren’t, just a heads up, my personal space zone doesn’t shrink.  Oh and your breath smells like rotting flesh, and stale, fermented beer.  I also don’t care about your personal life.  It’s just as boring and insignificant as my personal life… I’m sorry that’s not true either.  Your drunken stories about your personal life will never amount to how awesome mine is on a Sober night.

Throwing the bouncer up against the door after he said you couldn’t come in is a great way to assure at least four things.  1) You’re still not coming in 2) You’re getting throw… hard 3) The officers coming to get your for assault will treat you as a violent threat and will not hesitate to taze you in front of the MT cup 4) We’ll laugh about it for a long time

If you try to sneak a drink out of the bar and its dripping down your leg, not only are you not going to get your drink, but you’re going to look like your bladder exploded for the rest of the night.  Oh and you can’t come back in and get another one… and you’re dumb.

More of a general rule but if you get 86’d from the bar it isn’t personal 99% of the time.  You can almost always come back another night… Almost.  With that being said there’s no need for tears, drunken slurred debate, and there is definitely no need for causing a drunken scene to make yourself look more like a “winner” then you already are.  At least tonight you can take solace in the fact that your mom still loves you… Maybe

Moreover if you are denied entry to the bar no one cares that you were “going to spend money here” or “will never come back again”.  I’ve seen ALL those people come back again, and you spending $20-$40 in the bar that night will pale in comparison to the $1000+ in fines we’ll have to pay if something happens.  Not to mention someone is losing there job because you were a retarded two year old with a sledgehammer and the keys to daddys’ porche

We aren’t the [insert bar down the street here]  I don’t care.  Let me restate that.  I don’t care.  No really, my life will go on and I will sleep just fine tonight.  I also don’t care if its your birthday.  I might force a happy birthday out, or I might say crappy Thursday.  Who has a birthday every year?  I DO! And so does everyone else on campus.  Congratu-fucking-lations.

You don’t decide if you’re a regular.  The regular employees do.  If they don’t know you, you are just some schmuck.

DPS:  You might be an alcoholic if you start a tab on a commercial airline.  Said alcoholic getting a two for one special on the plane only adds to your glory.  That is one for the history books.

If you have a bouncer assigned specifically to make sure “Godzilla” doesn’t make it out of Tokyo but Godzilla is allowed to stay and hang out… and Godzilla is you… you must be an employee having a good night

Telling employees to go fist themselves when they ask you to do something?  Did you know it only takes 7.5 lbs of pressure to rip off the human ear?  True fact, look it up.

Don’t get drunk and try to tell me the hidden meaning behind Poker face by Lady Gaga.  Don’t try and tell me the hidden meaning behind anything Lady Gaga.  Unless you want to drink rum and cokes minus the rum the rest of the night

The specials board is in the same place it always has been at every bar.  They don’t change the format of the bar and switch around the specials board location once a week.  This leads to another great point… I’m glad you want a U-call it, but saying, “Yeah I’ll have one of those U-Call it thingies” means I need to see your ID again.  It isn’t a thingy first off, and secondly it involves you telling me what in the holy high hell you actually want.  I’m not a mind reader I’m a bartender, a damn good one at that, but regardless the U on the board stands for YOU…. yes you the patron.  If you aren’t ready to order prepare to be skipped or ridiculed in front of all your friends.  I have no qualms with you looking like a huge jackass.

FINALLY… Don’t stop believing is the worst song in the world.  I will personally kick the everliving shit out of anyone who thinks they can argue this point.  Don’t stop believing is not related to your shitty life.  Don’t stop believing is not an inspirational song.  You are not a small town girl and the only lonely world you’ll be living in is the one out on the street when I tear into how obnoxiously hideous, annoying and all together unintelligent you are… Shortly there after you balling outside on the street will then feel very very lonely.  That’s the point when you need to stop believing.

If you can’t help yourself and you decide to be the start, middle, or end of one of these stories.  Next time you’re in just find the person who you wronged and make it right.  We know your mental faculties were lacking that night and we don’t hold a grudge.

Who wants a drink?!?!

Well, I know I do!

One of my friends, dare I say colleagues, wrote an article a couple of months ago on revitalizing the village.  To which there was a huge response.  I was pretty transfixed on one specific comment though.  The comment was about Ball State students just being visitors on their way to bigger and better things.  The average student IS only drinking for two years, legally, before they do move on.  Unless you’re like the afore mentioned “colleague” and myself who are at the six year mark in Funcie, four of which in the bar phase of our lives.  When I go into work, regardless of my task for the night, (Bartender, Server, Bouncer) I can be sure of a couple things.  The regulars will trickle in, make their rounds, and find their spot.  At least one person will come to the door too drunk, be denied, and throw a fit or ask for the manager which is not a good idea… trust me… the answer will just be a more enthusiastic no.  Someone will go into one of the restrooms and punch, kick, spit, bite, lose their lunch, or generally make a mess.  Someone will fall out of a chair or down the stairs, and if it’s a REAL good one we’ll mark the time and watch it over and over again on the camera.  Someone will order food and more will end up on the carpet then the persons’ mouth.  Lastly we can all be sure that everyone will pretend they didn’t hear the staff say time to go so that they can hang on to three minutes and thirty seconds extra drinking time… In case the five hours previous wasn’t enough

Oh I almost forgot, you can be sure people will come in and spend $40+ on alcohol and $0 on tip.  Let me make this clear.  If you don’t have the money to tip a person who is serving you and is making $2.13 an hour because they work strictly on tips… You shouldn’t be out… period… or you should go play in traffic.  Don’t bother trying to refute this.  Anyone who says otherwise has never worked a service job, and has no right to comment.  If you have and you still decide I’m wrong, I’m not but thanks.  As is the case with most things

I mean I work at a certain establishment that had a basketball game up and running for one full night before some drunk Godzilla came and demolished that.  You make snide remarks about how gross the bathrooms are, and then you stand next to the trashcan and throw your paper towel on the floor.  These are the same people who take plastic shot glasses, throw them on the floor and stomp on them like you’re at a bar mitzvah

Out of all the aforementioned things I can be sure of, most of them are of a negative stature or impact.  I mean if you’re a visitor in someone else’s home do you sit at the dinner table and launch your food onto their carpet or take your beer and shake it in their face?  Granted most homes you visit don’t compare to Muncie, Ind.  Regardless you should take pride in yourself and respect others, especially those serving you the nectar of the gods.  Again, trust me on this one.