First and foremost let me answer the biggest questions of all.  Yes, this is a pallet of alcohol I happen to be pulling out of the back room of your favorite store.  No, I don’t want to go load it in your car.  No, your joke isn’t funny.  No, you aren’t the first person to make that joke even in the last five minutes.  Yes, the person at the other end of the aisle made the same joke right before you walked by. WHY YES, I do have utter contempt in my heart for you glad you noticed

Why yes I will probably be having some sort of get together with alcohol involved this weekend.  No no there is no need to get excited random person… you will not be getting invited, and your attempt at small talk has bored me more than your inability to pick a good beer or wine.

I’m sorry I didn’t realize the fact that I’m wearing dress slacks, dress shoes, and a polo that says COORS or MILLER on it makes you assume that I work for Target, Kroger, or Marsh.  Did you wonder why my outfit doesn’t look like anyone else’s outfit at the store?  It didn’t strike you as odd that I’m wearing a Lime Green shirt and black pants when everyone at Target is in Red shirts and Khaki pants?… … but yes Bread is in Aisle 5

Dear Mr/Ms Store manager,  I understand you want me to make your store number one in the morning, but I have 20+ accounts.  Someone has got to be last, and let’s be honest with each other… you’re a gas station and not high on my priority list

Cupcake wine is neither sweet nor good.  This is just a heads up

• PIN AUGHT NEW ARE
• PIE NOT GREE GREE OOOOOH
• MEW SKEDDI
• KAY BER NETTI
• MARE LOT
• Seinfeld

If you can’t pronounce it…  you probably shouldn’t buy it.  At the very least just point and say that one.

Asking where in Napa/Sonoma/ect. the winery is located proves what?  I’m obnoxious for knowing even though my job makes me, or you’re obnoxious for asking since you’ve never been to California anyway and you’re buying a $4 “Gree Gree Oh”

The recipe for Moscato is fairly simple.  Sugar+Water+Sugar+Grapes+Sugar-Flavor+Sugar-Dignity+Sugar=Moscato

If another MF’er from Indiana asks if I like Oliver, or if I’ve been to Oliver, or how much I just love all the different types of Oliver, or where can they get more Oliver, or Oliver Oliver Oliver.  I’m not exaggerating or making this up… Oliver uses the old Welch’s grape juice grapes… Concord grapes aren’t meant to make wine, and if you do it tastes like a bag of mashed up a**holes.  Congrats Indiana you’re in love with a big bag of mashed up a**holes.

And on that note… Good luck and Goodnight

A new Bud Light promotion is losing is sell-ability as univerisites threaten legal action and file complaints. Bud Light cans around the country are changing colors – 27 different color combinations in all – around college areas and regions, WSJ.com reports.

At least 25 schools have formally asked Anheuser-Busch to drop the campaign near their campuses, Mr. Siegal says. In recent letters, the University of Michigan’s lawyers threatened legal action for alleged trademark infringement, demanding that Anheuser-Busch not sell the “maize and blue” cans in the “entire state.” The University of Colorado, Oklahoma State University, Texas A&M University and Boston College have also told the company to stop distribution near their campuses, citing trademark issues and concern about student alcohol use.

[Image via FOTP.]

“The media, the media understands that the fathers dressed up as Indians and threw some tea into the Boston harbor, but for the life of them can not understand why these people are in their streets all across America today. I will explain. Plus Ted Nugent, Penn Gillette, and people actually like you coming together to saying ‘Enough is Enough’. They take a stand and together they will draw a line in the sand. Here. Where it was originally drawn. Live at the Alamo.”

First off, the only founding father that has a possible involvement in the tea party was Samuel Adams. Why was Sam Adams involved? Maybe Teatime got in the way of Happy Hour. Regardless, very few were actually dressed as Indians. The dressing up as Indians was a myth inspired by the famous lithograph “The Destruction of Tea at Boston Harbor“. Of course, the Alamo doesn’t have anything to do with the tea party, but I think that’s a given, seeing as how it is in Texas. And, while, yes there was a line in the sand drawn at the Alamo, it was meant more as a metaphor for accepting certain death over surrender. Which, actually, might fit what the Republican Party is doing now.

Don’t believe me? You can watch the video below. The best part is the Ted Nugent guitar solo for the introduction.

The cost to the common drinker, courtesy Fort Wayne’s Journal Gazette:

Alcohol taxes are figured per gallon and essentially would double for beer, wine and liquor. This would mean an additional 26 cents per case of beer; 9 cents per bottle of wine and 53 cents per fifth of liquor.

Asher Roth – “I Love College”