Wanna hear some good bar stories?

It seems to be the consensus that everyone does.  Since this is just going to be a random assortment of generalized stories (to protect those involved… including myself) I’m going to start with the moral that doubles as the disclaimer.  Don’t be that guy or that girl.  Try with every fiber of your being to not follow in the footsteps of these lesser capable drunkards.

If you think bringing a beer bong into a bar is a good idea, try again.  If you think hiding it under your arm makes it invisible then you probably need to check your existence at the door.

Shaking up your bottle of bud light and spraying it from the nest onto a bunch of random people?  This is a great way to lose some teeth or to find out what you’ve always wanted to know… What pavement ACTUALLY tastes like

There’s always the approach of getting black out drunk, taking all your clothes off and sitting in the stall after vomiting everywhere.  Don’t feel bad for the naked chick in the stall… you have to remember that she took it upon herself to consume 1,000 drinks an hour.  This situation is also where good friends come in handy because it’s hard to get anyone else to want to put your vomit covered clothes back on your naked, pissed on, vomit covered body.

Throwing up or tossing food/drinks on the floor at the bar is always a bad idea.  I’m still not your mom.  I’m more attractive and intelligent then your mom, but none-the-less I am not your mother.  You better be a good cleaner when you’re drunk because you’re cleaning up your own mess.

“WHAT!?!?! I’ve NEVER shown ID at this bar ever, and I come here ALL the time!!!!” is not true… it’s just not true… say it, mumble it, mutter it 1000 times and it’s still not true.  Oh and you’re still not coming in… ever… ever… ever… ever… get it?  good…………. ever.

You may get more balsy when you’re drunk but anyone who has ever uttered the phrase, “I’m a better fighter when I’ve been drinking” is completely joking themselves, and might also be delusional.

If I’m sober and you aren’t, just a heads up, my personal space zone doesn’t shrink.  Oh and your breath smells like rotting flesh, and stale, fermented beer.  I also don’t care about your personal life.  It’s just as boring and insignificant as my personal life… I’m sorry that’s not true either.  Your drunken stories about your personal life will never amount to how awesome mine is on a Sober night.

Throwing the bouncer up against the door after he said you couldn’t come in is a great way to assure at least four things.  1) You’re still not coming in 2) You’re getting throw… hard 3) The officers coming to get your for assault will treat you as a violent threat and will not hesitate to taze you in front of the MT cup 4) We’ll laugh about it for a long time

If you try to sneak a drink out of the bar and its dripping down your leg, not only are you not going to get your drink, but you’re going to look like your bladder exploded for the rest of the night.  Oh and you can’t come back in and get another one… and you’re dumb.

More of a general rule but if you get 86’d from the bar it isn’t personal 99% of the time.  You can almost always come back another night… Almost.  With that being said there’s no need for tears, drunken slurred debate, and there is definitely no need for causing a drunken scene to make yourself look more like a “winner” then you already are.  At least tonight you can take solace in the fact that your mom still loves you… Maybe

Moreover if you are denied entry to the bar no one cares that you were “going to spend money here” or “will never come back again”.  I’ve seen ALL those people come back again, and you spending $20-$40 in the bar that night will pale in comparison to the $1000+ in fines we’ll have to pay if something happens.  Not to mention someone is losing there job because you were a retarded two year old with a sledgehammer and the keys to daddys’ porche

We aren’t the [insert bar down the street here]  I don’t care.  Let me restate that.  I don’t care.  No really, my life will go on and I will sleep just fine tonight.  I also don’t care if its your birthday.  I might force a happy birthday out, or I might say crappy Thursday.  Who has a birthday every year?  I DO! And so does everyone else on campus.  Congratu-fucking-lations.

You don’t decide if you’re a regular.  The regular employees do.  If they don’t know you, you are just some schmuck.

DPS:  You might be an alcoholic if you start a tab on a commercial airline.  Said alcoholic getting a two for one special on the plane only adds to your glory.  That is one for the history books.

If you have a bouncer assigned specifically to make sure “Godzilla” doesn’t make it out of Tokyo but Godzilla is allowed to stay and hang out… and Godzilla is you… you must be an employee having a good night

Telling employees to go fist themselves when they ask you to do something?  Did you know it only takes 7.5 lbs of pressure to rip off the human ear?  True fact, look it up.

Don’t get drunk and try to tell me the hidden meaning behind Poker face by Lady Gaga.  Don’t try and tell me the hidden meaning behind anything Lady Gaga.  Unless you want to drink rum and cokes minus the rum the rest of the night

The specials board is in the same place it always has been at every bar.  They don’t change the format of the bar and switch around the specials board location once a week.  This leads to another great point… I’m glad you want a U-call it, but saying, “Yeah I’ll have one of those U-Call it thingies” means I need to see your ID again.  It isn’t a thingy first off, and secondly it involves you telling me what in the holy high hell you actually want.  I’m not a mind reader I’m a bartender, a damn good one at that, but regardless the U on the board stands for YOU…. yes you the patron.  If you aren’t ready to order prepare to be skipped or ridiculed in front of all your friends.  I have no qualms with you looking like a huge jackass.

FINALLY… Don’t stop believing is the worst song in the world.  I will personally kick the everliving shit out of anyone who thinks they can argue this point.  Don’t stop believing is not related to your shitty life.  Don’t stop believing is not an inspirational song.  You are not a small town girl and the only lonely world you’ll be living in is the one out on the street when I tear into how obnoxiously hideous, annoying and all together unintelligent you are… Shortly there after you balling outside on the street will then feel very very lonely.  That’s the point when you need to stop believing.

If you can’t help yourself and you decide to be the start, middle, or end of one of these stories.  Next time you’re in just find the person who you wronged and make it right.  We know your mental faculties were lacking that night and we don’t hold a grudge.