It has been quite a long time since I’ve posted anything on here, but its hard when the first five days of the week are spent working for the largest staffing and recruiting firm in the U.S. Not only do I get to enjoy AND partake in screening potential applicants for our clients BUT I get to do it for a minimum of ten hours.  The great thing about my new “career” in staffing is that even when you hit your goals there’s always something else to do.  There is no such thing as an early day.  I don’t want this post to sound like I hate my job because I actually do have fun while I’m there.  While sorting through the never ending assortment of crappy and shoddily put together resumes there are some tidbits that stand out amongst all others.  It’s not quite the bar stories of the past… and it might be some kind of HR violation, but luckily there aren’t any…  there are hardly any… okay so there are some names on here, but I just couldn’t deprive you of the enjoyment I get on a daily basis.  So here it is.  This is my current list of resume bloopers, blunders, and just plain funny stuff.

I’ll start off with the first one that I actually had posted on my facebook for awhile.  This is real.  Someone submitted this to a job posting I had online.  This is how all cover letters should be done.

My name is George Michael and I am an Electrical Engineer and not the talentless lead singer from the 80s pop group Wham.  I have over 8 years experience working in the semiconductor industry as well as a Master Degree in Computer Engineering and yellow belt in Jeet Kune Do.  My leadership skills are unsurpassed as I am a Colonel (level 50) in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, where I lead an online multinational team through several very hostile terrains to capture the other team’s flag.  My military experience and training helped me lead the physical design team of engineers to complete several production level microchips for the telecommunication industry within time and budget.  Great leaders like Ronald Reagan, Joe Biden and Jay-Z know it takes several different skills to complete large projects.  That is why my analog and digital design skills along with my experience as a CAD engineer would make me a perfect candidate for the Entry Level QA position.

My personal favorite is the welder who submitted his resume from Minnesota

I will weld anything. I am the best welder there is in the state of Minnesota.
I will weld the crap out of anything and make it look like one solid grade of steel.
Vertical, horizontall, hell, I can lay on my stomach and weld with a beer in my left hand and some wirefeed and a mig stick in my right while adjusting the heat with my teeth just in case someone throws in a different piece of steel while I am watching the super bowl and eating wings with sauce, and I won’t get any sauce on the finished product.
Find someone like me for $14/hr and I will shit my pants.

This is a civil engineer from a major unnamed school about an hour Northwest of Indianapolis:

I worked for the Double Stink Hog Farm. Every summer from 1999-2004.
Foreman, responsible for other employees, planting,
harvesting, lawn work, and other farm duties.
Also helped train seven employees, two of
which were Spanish speaking. Supervisor: Tom Fister

The first thing I caught was the name of the Hog Farm.  At least the owner new the place was a smelly dump.  I’m also glad that this future civil engineer was able to inform me that two of the seven employees he trained were Spanish speaking.  Although not fluent in Spanish its always good to know that he can still communicate with the foreign farm help.  Lastly I couldn’t keep his Supervisors name out.  I mean maybe it’s because after ten hours you find humor in the little things… or maybe its because I still act like I’m 12 and the last name Fister is funny but I’m hoping I’m not the only one who laughs.

Then there was this girl…

I was the bartender at a local pub. It was a small bar but very busy. I server and made all drinks along with also cooking any food orders that were placed. except for the weekends, we had a cook. I ran the cash register and was able to balance out every night. I also was responsable for any sales of pull tabs and other various things that we had to sell at the bar. I also had to clean, stock the bar, and was left in charge of running the bar by myself.

… and I would walk to my car, and I would start the car, and then I would go home, and I would open the door to my house, and then I would sit down, and I would stare at the wall.  I also had to sleep at some point, eat at some point, and was “responsable” for lists… I was good at listing things and being able to write things in long lists, but I’ve never heard of a bullet point.

This one is like a comedy that turns into a horror movie…

Comments: (Larry Juilian- Manager) Michael May was let go today for numerous reasons: 1-After seeing horseplay taking place (particularly by Michael) in the lab, Larry sent out a letter that it was to all stop. Michael continued, specifically, coming from behind and grabbing the arms people and jumping out of empty boxes to scare people in an environment where serious injury can result from high voltage equipment and soldering equipment. 2-Michael brought car stereo equipment into UTEC to work on after he got projects done. Instead of telling his supervisor he completed the work and getting more to work on, he would work on the stereo equipment or surf the internet for long periods of time. 3-He brought knunchucks onto UTEC’s premises and they have a strict weapons policy. 4-Michael tracked down the contact information of a lab employee whos son requires special care from an at-home nurse. Michael repeatedly asked the employee for pictures of the woman and when the employee said no, Michael found his contact info and called his home. He asked the employees wife for pictures and/or to talk with the caretaker. Michael is not rehireable by United Technologies or Carrier Corporation.

…and of course to end is just a random assortment of snippets from resumes and from notes in our internal system.

Hobbies: Cooking, Origami, Playing flute, chess and outdoor sports especially cricket, volley ball and tennis.

Comments: TT–entry level geologist. Does not really want to work outside because she gets sick easy during the winter

Eli Liyyle Pharmecuticals

called to inform her that beckman decided to move on to other candidates. she was not happy and said “im going to file age discrimination against the company and the only way someone can get on with the company is by knowing someone or bl***** somone”. please pursue with caution

I’m a Geography major, went to Seoul Korea for a year to teach English now I’ve decided I want to be a geologist. (same guy calling back a week later) called in RE: any opps in Environmental. Nothing for him. Stopped mid sentence to say, “I need to shake the dust off, do you mind if I take some time and call you back tomorrow”

Honors-Awarded 5 year on the job pin

Resume Title: succes for your business

Trooble shooted

IVE ALWAYS BEEN A LEADER IN MY LINE OF WORK WEITHER I WAS IN CONTROL OR NOT I HAVE GOOD REFERENCES AT ALL MY COMPANYS IVE BEEN WITH

Rallys Restrunt

2006 Hamburger University Chicago, IL

I SERVICED AND SOLD EQUIPMENT ON THE SPOT I GENERATED NEARLY 900,000.00 IN SALES IN ABOUT 7 MONTHS WHEN THEY STARTED THE SELLING PROGRAM FOR TECHS I WAS ON TRACK TO SELL 1.6 MIL MY FIRST YEAR SELLING BUT THEY STARTED CHEATING ME OUT OF MY COMMISSIONS CAUSE OF GREED AND I HAD TO LEAVE.

NAME-chinchanchewula Coutee

Candidate in interview said, “I’m the shit”  didn’t get the job.  Recruiter asked, “Why did you say that”. “Well, I’m sorry. I got comfortable and that’s my famous phrase.”

September -May2009 : Member of Polytech Robot (ARFIT) team ,creating a robot which could build temples to participate in french robot championship

Domestic engineer=Housewife

Traveling Pig Barn Builder (Hopefully this guy made a stop at the Double Stink Hog Farm)

honestly, not that sharp on the phone. Had a hard time describing his internship to me. Not an experience/personality fit for McDonalds, but sending me his resume. Currently working part time at Target

PLEASE NOTE: I Timothy Jerome Irby do Have Hand Tools………..

OBJECTIVE: Your own entry goes here.

2008    Tom Hopkins University<——-fake university

i be A HELLA HARD WORKER N SHIT, I LIKES TO MAKE A BUTT LOAD OF MONEY SO I CAN BANG BITCHES. IM LIKE MASSIVE STRONG AND AM SUPER SMART SO I BE LIKE THE BEST WORKER IN DA UNIVERSE

5454 BullShit Ave.Appleton, Wisconsin 54956

Guinness World Records Current world record holder for “Most High Fives in 24 Hours”, Final total of high fives: 3,131. September 6^th 2008 (PLEASE look this guy up on wikipedia he’s no longer the record holder, but his quote about high fives is amazing)

Hopefully you all enjoyed a taste of what I get on a daily basis and remember, if you aren’t sure about your resume make sure to have someone else proofread it. (Note: misspellings were left on purpose =)

Here is our big map:

In recognition of this monumental moment in American history, we hereby announce our new category: “President Obama.”

All hail Hope.

… suck on that, mainstream.

You can take your eggs from the left or right.

If Obama fits your tastes, enjoy Eggs Obama, which the restaurant describes as: “An omelette ‘we can believe in’ with a redistributed wealth of arugula, ricotta, and a liberal amount of elitist bacon, along with close ties to a focaccia activist.”

For the more conservative brunch-goer, Eggs McCain: ”A Mavericky pairing of a conservatively Sloppy Joe w/ real American cheese and a running mate of Scrambled Eggs w/ a constructionist view on corn and peppers? You betcha! wink”

Here’s the first, and most likely version of a 269-269 tie:

And here’s are four other reasonable, though not likely ways in which the situation could work itself out:

<p><strong>><a href='http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008/pick-your-president/'>2008 Election Contest: Pick Your President</a></strong> &#8211; Predict the winner of the 2008 presidential election.</p> <p>

So what would happen under this happenstance? ABC News breaks it down.

To be fair they are not the first to parody this song…

• John McCain is letting you make your own Joe the Plumber signs that read “I’m ____ the ____. DON’T TAX ME FOR WORKING SO HARD.” Note that anything you submit will probably get rejected. I’m still waiting to see if I get my “I’m Jose the Chip-n-Dale’s dancer” sign. Somehow, I don’t think I will get it.
• If two planes hit each other, but land safely with no injuries, should the national news media make a sound?
• Variety, yes, f**king Variety, is reporting that Joe Biden has evolved his gay marriage position to be against Prop 8. F**KING VARIETY!
• William Shatner calls George Takei “sick.” (Video

And, as always, I leave you with video, this time it’s someone trying to handcuff Karl Rove: