You can see the full scene here.

This is it. Column 100, and my last as a Ball State University student. That’s as freaky to me as it likely is to you. I’m finally graduating … again.

To every bar hopper, friend, random student and instructor who took the time to e-mail, text, tweet or verbally acknowledge the column, I give you my greatest appreciation and thanks. It wasn’t that you made me feel cool, it’s that you thought what I was doing was cool. That’s why I wrote.

This column has been my outlet since Spring 2004 when then-DN Forum Editor Lauren Phillips. I was overjoyed that I could return to making people laugh with words, just as I had in high school. Looking forward, I sincerely hope to find another opportunity in addition to this site.

In the interim and beyond, this site is now my outlet, alongside my treasured friends who make it breathe. My thanks to them. My thanks to you.

Much love. Enjoy.

d

Ten years ago this upcoming month, Baz Luhrmann’s “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” became the title track to life’s lessons, courtesy spins on MTV, mainstream radio and even late-night television.

The thoughts were those of Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich, originally published June 1, 1997. She introduced the text as her attempt at a graduation speech she’d never be asked to give, encouraging others over the age of 26 to try it, too:

“Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who’d rather be Rollerblading,” she said.

Her words are way more relevant on the verge of my graduate-level graduation compared to the eighth grade graduation I was up against just a decade ago. In the interest of giving back, I feel compelled to share my life-so-far advice – not to my peers, but to those students who’ve yet to experience what we all have. Ehhem.

Ladies and gentleman of the incoming class of 2009, wear Ball State T-shirts. If I could offer you one piece of college advice, wearing a Ball State T-shirt would be it. The long-term benefits of school pride and relaxed 50/50 blend casual wear are forever symbols of your tie to the university, whereas the rest of my advice will only leave you wondering what in the hell you’re getting into. I will satirically dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the energy and determination of your freshman year. Oh, nevermind. You won’t understand the energy and determination of your freshman year until long after you’ve left the residence halls.

Get pleasure from the residence halls. Get pleasure in the residence halls. Sure, it may seem like a total hassle and lack of privacy now, but you can’t get that social interaction in an apartment. That’s why it’s called an APARTment. Don’t move in with your best friend. You’ll hate them by the end of it.

Don’t waste your time on GPA worries. The real worries in college are apt to be things that never crossed your mind, the type of event that blindsides you after some group project meeting.

Keep your old textbooks; they are a record of what you’ve learned. Throw out your bank statements; they are a record of what you’ve lost. Don’t blame me if you get audited.

You can redefine education. You cannot redefine kegger.

“Bro” is OK. “Frat” is not. Use “douchebag” at your own risk.

The only way a third of campus would find out about the swine flu is if it’s a clue in the Daily News crossword.

Join the high ranks of student leaders so you, too, can take questions from your peers about how “messed up” the crossword puzzle is, or how badly they need Sudoku on page two. Add Sudoku to the Daily News on page two. People will blindly praise you, and then call when it’s messed up.

No matter what swag they are offering, do not sign up for a credit card. Those shirts ought to read, “I got stuck in a high-rate APR and massive debt and all I got was this T-shirt.”

The dynamite goes boom. Your biggest screw up may be your 15 minutes of fame. No one is immune to a case of fumbleitis.

Things were better when Puerto had margaritas to go.

Bars can get out of business despite “great” management while a pizza place that doesn’t take credit cards survives them all. No amounts of washing will remove the stench of self-loathing that comes from paying a cover to get into Dill Street. Fabric softener will get out the cigarette smell.

Learn the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing.”

Get to know your bartenders. They’re more fascinating and fun-loving people than you’ll ever be. Alcohol or not, you won’t remember the best moments in college – you’ll just know they occurred.

Be concerned with who goes home with you. Be more concerned with who sees it happen. Do not read gossip Web sites they will only leave you feeling more curious. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Police yourself.

You can have a student center that students never visit.

Live in LaFollette once, but leave before you get a staph infection. Live in the Village once, but leave before you turn 25.

Don’t take joyrides with cops.

You can find a more controversial athletic director than a guy named “Bubba.”

In the right conditions, your tongue will stick to Frog Baby.

Stop policing yourself. Be comfortable with who you are, and abandon the masks of what you are not. People will love you more when you’re most comfortable with yourself.

While you are still wondering what to do with your life, your friends will get real jobs, get married and have kids. Plenty of people don’t know what to do with their life at 22. Some don’t know what to do with their life at 45. Those people will be your professors. The 22-year-olds are your graduate students next year.

Be careful with the course advice you take and the early classes you agree to. Academics are a side act of college life. Do everything the songs tell you. Ignore everything your freshman adviser tells you. Be wary of upperclassmen dispensing their advice. It’s a form of helpful patronization that involves recollection of bad life decisions with a yearning to be back in your shoes again.

Frankly, do whatever the hell you want to do.

But trust me on the Ball State T-shirt.

–

My great thanks to friend and BewilderedSociety.com writer Will O’Hargan for his help on this column.

Originally published in The Ball State Daily News | BEWILDERED SOCIETY: My last chance to impart a few words of advice

Of course, one of the best writers of those speeches (and in no way related to Field of Dreams is Aaron Sorkin. Most of our readers are probably aware of the man-crush (or regular crush) we have on Aaron Sorkin. His writing is some of our favorite, and, at it’s best, what every writer should aspire to write like. It is witty, powerful, and has a point. Sorkin understood the way people talked and hired actors who could talk in the way they wrote. While people have criticized him for putting his voice into every character, he does subtly change the way each character speaks. And, while I personally think his best work is in one-liners and exchanges that end with a simple “kay”, there’s no denying that he’s a pretty amazing speech writer in his own right. So much so that pundits for Obama have repeatedly compared his speeches to Sorkin’s writing, or using the phrase Sorkin-esque. Obama even told Sorkin he plans on stealing a lot of his lines, which Sorkin enjoyed. (See No. 1 for more on the Obama-Sorkin connection).

So, I present to you the ten best Aaron Sorkin speeches. I have left out speeches he clearly wrote for Bulworth and other movies where he served as an uncredited script doctor, and left only those written by the man himself.

10. “Break’s over.” – The West Wing

The first part of this speech is missing. Among that which is cut is “My youngest grand daughter Annie gave me this newspaper clipping. Seems these theologians down in South America were very excited because this little girl from Chile had sliced open a tomato, and the inside flesh of this tomato had actually formed a perfect Rosary. The theologians commented that they thought this was a very impressive girl. Annie commented that she thought it was a very impressive tomato” and then includes the set up for the punch that he had–recaping the story point that Cubans had come to the US and are seeking asylum. It is among my favorite speeches in the West Wing, and was the point I knew I was going to love this show. The ending to the pilot is only No. 10 on this list, which means that there’s still some great Sorkin to come.

9. “I am God” – Malice
Alec Baldwin is no Martin Sheen. While a good actor, he is nowhere near some of the actors on this list. However, this is a well written and good-if not awkwardly-delivered speech from Sorkin’s second and worst received film. In the hands of someone who knew how to read Sorkin it might have been even better, but in Baldwin’s, it’s only so-so. If you want to see a good Baldwin speech, watch his one from Glengary Glen Ross

8. “You should vote for someone else.” – The West Wing “In the Shadow of Two Gunmen”
This is the speech that convinced Josh Lyman to stop working for Hoynes and start working for Bartlet. It’s hard to see why not. The Shadow of Two Gunmen is one of the best episodes as far as writing goes in the history of television, and this speech is just a small part of that. However, it’s a candidate giving an actual good reason to vote for him, which is something I’ve never heard. It’s not about policy, it’s about children. God, I wish more people in Washington talked like this.

7. “You’re my guys.” – The West Wing “War Games”
In another role reversal, the usually brash Toby makes a calm, cool, collected speech to his staff. Even Sam can’t help but say how unexpected it was. It isn’t one of those wow moments that sticks with you like some of the other speeches, but looking back at the Sorkin years, this is one of my favorites, because it works and doesn’t draw attention to itself.

6. “It’s not even good pornography!” – Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Sorkin’s best moment on Studio 60 was also his first. The opening 10 minutes of the program are some of the most dramatic, exciting, well written and well shot moments in television history. It’s a shame the show didn’t last longer, because we could have had more moments like this. However, it seems like Sorkin lost his anti-TV balls after the first episode, so maybe it wouldn’t have. Either way, this will be one of the best speeches in television history, and you don’t even hear all of it.

5. “I’d like to take a moment to review the several ways in which you’re a douche bag.” – Charlie Wilson’s War
This one is great because it’s angry, course, and it’s to an idiot. Sorkin always likes talking above somebodies head and going on long winded rants where some things are not relevant. He even throws in the ‘Never ever sick at sea’ line again, which works better here that it did in Malice (see No. 9). And, when you have an actor like Philip Seymour Hoffman reading your work, it’s hard for it not to be good. Really it’s two mini-speeches and a little in the middle, but it’s some of Sorkin’s best work.

4. “Because that’s what a man does.” – The West Wing “Let Bartlet Be Bartlet”
I think that it’s interesting that the top two speeches I chose from the West Wing are not only both not read by Martin Sheen, but that they are both John Spencer. Spencer is a great-fantastic actor-but he’s not the person you think of when you think speeches from the West Wing. You think of Bartlet, Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, and Toby before you get to Leo. And yet the two best speeches (the second is No. 2) are his. Maybe because he didn’t turn them into speeches. It didn’t feel like it was reading, lecturing, it felt real. This one is so good, he doesn’t need to say the punctuating point, he only has to write it.

3. “You can’t handle the truth!” – A Few Good Men
It doesn’t hurt when you have someone like Jack Nicholson reading your words to make it good. Probably Sorkin’s most famous speech, it falls at No. 3 on here because, while it’s not as great as the first two, it’s shows Sorkin’s ability to write a speech that he clearly does not agree with. It is, however, powerful and a little scary. And Nicholson totally sells it.

2. “Whole houses, clear off the ground.” – The West Wing “In the Shadow of Two Gunmen”
Everyone got speeches in the West Wing. Usually they’re for some policy, or quickly rebuked by another long winded speech. But sometimes they just make you sit back and watch. This speech isn’t for anything but having quality people in a Presidential race, but more than that it’s about the friendship between Leo and the future President. John Spencer delivers the lines in what is probably the finest delivery of any speech Sorkin has written. One tops this one due to length, importance, and sheer amazement, but if you’re looking for the best scene on this list, it’s right here.

1. “My name is Andrew Shepard, and I am the President.” – The American President
LA Weekly named it the best fake Presidential speech of all time. Bloggers have cited it’s influence on Obama here, here and here. Oh yeah, and Sorkin wrote a meeting between Jed Bartlet and Obama for Maureen Dowd (whom he may or may not be rolling in the rose garden with). This speech is the climax of the movie, where a President who has been pushed around all movie finally gets the balls to fight back and does so in a speech at a press conference. It works better in the movie than it would in real life, but this is clearly Sorkin’s best work, and he finishes it with a bang.