First and foremost let me answer the biggest questions of all.  Yes, this is a pallet of alcohol I happen to be pulling out of the back room of your favorite store.  No, I don’t want to go load it in your car.  No, your joke isn’t funny.  No, you aren’t the first person to make that joke even in the last five minutes.  Yes, the person at the other end of the aisle made the same joke right before you walked by. WHY YES, I do have utter contempt in my heart for you glad you noticed

Why yes I will probably be having some sort of get together with alcohol involved this weekend.  No no there is no need to get excited random person… you will not be getting invited, and your attempt at small talk has bored me more than your inability to pick a good beer or wine.

I’m sorry I didn’t realize the fact that I’m wearing dress slacks, dress shoes, and a polo that says COORS or MILLER on it makes you assume that I work for Target, Kroger, or Marsh.  Did you wonder why my outfit doesn’t look like anyone else’s outfit at the store?  It didn’t strike you as odd that I’m wearing a Lime Green shirt and black pants when everyone at Target is in Red shirts and Khaki pants?… … but yes Bread is in Aisle 5

Dear Mr/Ms Store manager,  I understand you want me to make your store number one in the morning, but I have 20+ accounts.  Someone has got to be last, and let’s be honest with each other… you’re a gas station and not high on my priority list

Cupcake wine is neither sweet nor good.  This is just a heads up

• PIN AUGHT NEW ARE
• PIE NOT GREE GREE OOOOOH
• MEW SKEDDI
• KAY BER NETTI
• MARE LOT
• Seinfeld

If you can’t pronounce it…  you probably shouldn’t buy it.  At the very least just point and say that one.

Asking where in Napa/Sonoma/ect. the winery is located proves what?  I’m obnoxious for knowing even though my job makes me, or you’re obnoxious for asking since you’ve never been to California anyway and you’re buying a $4 “Gree Gree Oh”

The recipe for Moscato is fairly simple.  Sugar+Water+Sugar+Grapes+Sugar-Flavor+Sugar-Dignity+Sugar=Moscato

If another MF’er from Indiana asks if I like Oliver, or if I’ve been to Oliver, or how much I just love all the different types of Oliver, or where can they get more Oliver, or Oliver Oliver Oliver.  I’m not exaggerating or making this up… Oliver uses the old Welch’s grape juice grapes… Concord grapes aren’t meant to make wine, and if you do it tastes like a bag of mashed up a**holes.  Congrats Indiana you’re in love with a big bag of mashed up a**holes.

And on that note… Good luck and Goodnight

The cost to the common drinker, courtesy Fort Wayne’s Journal Gazette:

Alcohol taxes are figured per gallon and essentially would double for beer, wine and liquor. This would mean an additional 26 cents per case of beer; 9 cents per bottle of wine and 53 cents per fifth of liquor.