Credit to Kyle Ellis for the image

Throughout the NFL playoffs, uber-popular sportswriter Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons from ESPN.com previewed each game through the conference championships by likening the games to a character or incident from the greatest reality TV show ever created: Jersey Shore. For instance, the Colts-Ravens game was Sammi Sweetheart because, “At first glance, super attractive. Upon further review, more trouble than it’s worth. A stay away.” After watching every episode of the greatest reality TV show ever created Jersey Shore and as much NBA basketball as possible, I thought it would be fun to compare every NBA team to a character or incident from the glorious run of the greatest reality TV show ever created Jersey Shore. Enjoy.

Cleveland Cavaliers : Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Is there a better fit for the face of the league LeBron James and the face of Jersey Shore The Situation? Face it, people tune into Jersey Shore to see The Situation. You don’t need me telling you that people tune in to see LeBron as the Cavs are on national television 25 times this season.

Los Angeles Lakers : Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. If people aren’t watching the Cavs, they’re coming to see Kobe and the rest of the Lakers. Snooki serves as the clear, yet unpredictable #2 cast member on Jersey Shore. And really, the possibility that Ron Artest could end up doing flips in a club showing off his thong is not completely out of play.

Orlando Magic/Boston Celtics : Ronnie Margo and Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola. Two teams that will be battling the entire season for two of the top four seeds in the East are reflective of the couple that were always together and fighting on numerous occasions. The biggest question is whether Dwight Howard or Kevin Garnett have feet that look like Fred Flintstone.

Denver Nuggets : Brad Ferro. “Who?” you ask. Ferro is the guy that punched Snooki in the face at Beachcomber Bar & Grill. Likewise, the Nuggets may be the only team in the West that has a shot to knock out the Lakers (Snooki). Ultimately though, the Lakers will rally like Snooki and be fine in the end.

Atlanta Hawks : J-Woww punching The Situation in the face in Atlantic City. A fantastically underrated moment of the show matches perfectly with a very underrated Hawks team. As a bonus, the Hawks are a potential threat to take a shot at the Cavs (The Situation) in the second round in a #1 v. #4 seed series.

Utah Jazz : Vinny Guadagnino. After starting out the season at a pedestrian 19-17, the Jazz have caught fire recently winning 12 of their last 13 games. For the first half of the series, you barely realized that Vinny was there before he came on strong to close out the show.

Dallas Mavericks : Snooki’s love life. A team that brings a lot to the table on paper but is never able to close the deal goes with the girl that tried her hardest to hook up on the Shore and came away empty. The talent is definitely there, but something always stands in the way preventing the ultimate goal from being reached.

Phoenix Suns : Vinny’s family coming to visit and bringing a feast. Similar to the Mavericks, the Suns bring a ton to the table which everyone enjoys. Unfortunately, the fun (or food) can’t last forever and it’s back to sausage and peppers (a good regular season record, little playoff success) for the rest of the time.

San Antonio Spurs : GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry. The three fundamentals to being a Guido are matched with the team best known for its fundamentals in basketball over the years. Much like watching someone doing laundry, the Spurs are boring to watch but they do the necessities.

Oklahoma City Thunder : Pauly “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio. Both feature young up and comers who are making it big this year. Pauly D is booking DJ gigs across the nation while Durant, Westbrook, and Green form one of the most exciting cores of young talent in the NBA.

Portland Trailblazers : Jenni “J-Woww” Farley. One of Bill Simmons’ readers compared Darryl Strawberry’s baseball career to J-Woww in the sense that Strawberry’s drug use prohibited us from seeing his full potential the way that J-Woww having a boyfriend prevented us from seeing her full potential. Translating that same thought process to the NBA, injuries to Greg Oden, Joel Przybilla, Travis Outlaw, Nicolas Batum, and Brandon Roy during the year have prevented us from seeing what the Trailblazers are fully capable of accomplishing. Entertaining for sure, but what are we missing? And really, if nude pictures are going to surface on the Internet of a cast member a la Greg Oden, J-Woww has to be the odds on favorite, right?

Toronto Raptors : Pauly D. putting charcoal in a gas grill and then having The Situation light it. Have you seen the Raptors defense? Giving up a ridiculous 105.2 points a game, the Raptors D has the potential to blow up at any time. Somehow though, it hasn’t, and they currently find themselves as the #5 seed. The cast managed to somehow get around the grill incident and made many more delicious meals on it during the season.

Houston Rockets : Angelina dating a married man. “Jolie” carried on an affair with a married man the same way that the Rockets continue to carry Tracy McGrady on their roster. There is a 0% chance that this ends well for any of the four parties involved here.

Memphis Grizzlies : The Situation making out with Snooki in the hot tub. Episode 7: The Situation essentially calls Snooki fat which brings up memories of her past eating disorder. Episode 9: They are making out like high schoolers on prom night. Zach Randolph made the All Star this team. I suppose the potential was there for both these incidents to happen, but after episode 7/every other year Randolph have played, did we really think this was going to actually come true?

New Orleans Hornets : The Pickle Prank. In a tribute to Snooki’s love of pickles, The Situation randomly placed pickles all over Snooki’s room in the middle of the night. While a decent, good prank in its own right, it was overshadowed by his later prank of putting a concoction of grated cheese, milk, Caesar dressing, mayo and pickle juice under Vinny’s bed. While the Hornets are a decent, good team, they are completely overshadowed in New Orleans by the newly crowned Super Bowl champion Saints.

Chicago Bulls : The Duck Phone. Always seems to be around in the background and just annoying enough that people pay attention to it. Big moment for each: Chicago beating Cleveland earlier in the year. The Situation and Pauly D learning that Ronnie got into a fight on the Boardwalk after getting a call on the duck phone. You’re not going to remember the 09-10 season for the Bulls, and you’re not going to remember Jersey Shore for the duck phone.

Charlotte Bobcats : “Lose 5 or 10 pounds and we’ll talk.” – The Situation after Angelina proclaimed herself as being hot. Boris Diaw and Nazr Mohammed as a starting front court? Charlotte is technically a playoff team as it stands right now, but are they a threat to do anything? Get a front court and we’ll talk.

Miami Heat : Alex. Another “Who?” selection, I know. Alex is the attractive girl that The Situation brings back to the house in episode 6. Unfortunately for The Sitch, she brings two of her much less attractive friends, or as they are better known: grenade launchers. One star surrounded by a lack of talent? Usually a spot reserved for the LeBron in the Cavs prior to 2007, D-Wade and the Heat easily claim this one.

Milwaukee Bucks : Vinny hooking up with Danny’s “The Boss” girl. Along the lines of Brandon Jennings’ 55 point game early on against Golden State, it’s a moment that came completely out of the blue and was intriguing for a short period before everyone forgot about it. The Bucks are technically a threat to make the playoffs as they currently sit .002 percentage points out of the final spot in the East, but does anyone really think they can do damage? No. Does anyone see Vinny as a threat? No.

Los Angeles Clippers : Vinny going out with The Situation’s sister. Terrible decisions made in every aspect associated with these two. Never was going to work from the start, but at least it provided some comedic material along the way. Even back in 1989, Arsenio Hall had the Clippers pegged. “L.A. has everything. If you like basketball, there’s the Lakers. If you don’t like basketball, there’s the Clippers.”

Philadelphia 76ers : Vinny getting pink eye. The Iverson trade showed at least a little bit of hope for a bad franchise, but it never materialized the way that people thought. Vinny’s pink eye storyline showed a glimmer of hope, but ended up resulting in a few minutes of disappointment.

New York Knicks : The Situation’s decision to tell Snooki “Don’t worry, you’ve got a couple,” when Snooki asks for a roll during a dinner conversation. Similar to the Knicks’ decision to clear out cap space for the summer of 2010 to try and land LeBron, Bosh, Wade, or other top tier free agent, the Situation’s comment seemed like a good idea in theory, but it didn’t work out nearly as well in practice. Plus, there’s a 60% chance that the Knicks’ play the past few years has made their fans cry.

Indiana Pacers : J-Woww’s boyfriend Tommy. Nice, young, rarely seen, not good enough for to attract any hot talent, and most of all: white. The same goes for J-Woww’s boyfriend.

Detroit Pistons : The unnamed guy who was knocked out in one punch by Ronnie. The Pistons signings in the offseason of Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon was the equivalent of the guy talking trash to Ronnie. Unfortunately for both, they ended up getting rocked very quickly. The Pistons are currently 22.5 games behind Cleveland and the random guy may still be “sleeping” on the streets of Seaside.

Washington Wizards : Snooki getting punched in the face. The Wizards’ locker room impersonation of the OK Corral with Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton was THE story of the NBA season thus far in the same way that the punch heard ‘round the Shore was THE story of the entire show. It was a great talking point for even casual fans of the NBA and Jersey Shore.

Sacramento Kings : The Situation and Sammi’s “relationship”. Ah yes, one of the forgotten moments of the show corresponds with one of the forgotten teams in the league. Both the Kings and Sammi/Situation started out relatively strong with the Kings, expected to be one of the worst teams in the league, jumping out to a surprising 9-9 record while Sammi and the Situation seem to hit it off on the Boardwalk in the very first episode. Alas, it was not to be as the Kings have lost 13 of their last 14 games and Sammie ended up with Ronnie.

Golden State Warriors : Snooki making herself a bubble bath in Atlantic City. Completely ridiculous. No one knows what’s going on. And if you ask the casual fan to name their favorite moment, it’s probably not cracking the top 50. Just like asking a casual NBA fan to name 4 players on the Warriors. It’s just not happening.

Minnesota Timberwolves : Ronnie’s fights during the show.  The juicehead with a short fuse got into numerous fights during the show’s run? The team that drafted approximately 14 point guards in last year’s draft is struggling this year at 13-38? Gee, who saw either of those coming? Oh, right. Everyone.

New Jersey Nets : Angelina “Jolie” Pivarnick. Angelina checked out of the show in the third episode after refusing to work. The Nets checked out of the season in the third week after refusing to win.

And there you have it. Every team compared to their Jersey Shore equivalent. Just remember everyone: Jersey girls aren’t trash; trash gets picked up.

I was privileged to be able to go back to my old place of employment last week to work one shift (The Locker Room Bar and Grill in good old Muncie, IN)  Yes, I do realize that I have my MBA and that I’ve moved away from that town, but a good way to make quick money is to sling that legal but heavily controlled substance that everyone loves… alcohol.  While I was there I was barraged with an endless supply of, “Do you miss it?”  from any familiar face that found me.  For the first hour, maybe, but then I was re-introduced to the lack of a intelligence which you pray would be the one thing not lacking on a college campus… But then again we all know better.

I don’t expect much when I go to Ball State and enter the bar on either side of the glass, but for some reason this specific trip up to Muncie definitely left a lasting impression.  I was out in Indy the other day having a good time and mixed in with the usual small chat was a slew of politics, global affairs, cooking, discussion about the finer points of drinking and that which we hold close, the drink itself, as well as more small talk.  It sent one home feeling good about the evening.  On the other end of the spectrum we retreat back to my evening in Muncie.  Discussion about how drunk one is, will be, was last night, and has been… over and over… and over again.  It was interesting to see the one flicker of light in a single gentleman that night trying to argue why a $4 drink is way to expensive… What was more interesting was watching me crush this poor chaps argument and soul by telling him to pay me the $4 and enjoy his drink or get out.  Then proceeding to inform him that his $4 drink was an $8 in a city like Indianapolis and a $12 drink in a city like Chicago or New York.  I then waited for, “Thank you sir for enlightening me and setting me on the correct path.” Of course I received no such response.  Maybe he typed it in a letter and realized he didn’t have my address to send it to me.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is whatever happened to having a conversation with people.  I don’t just mean your favorite bartender at your local establishment.  Anyone will suffice.  I mean how much fun can you have with the same conversation repeated one-trillion times?  I’m not sure about the majority but it makes my ears bleed and drives me to want to go play out in traffic just to switch it up a bit.  At the end of the day it is your prerogative as to what you’d like to talk about and how you’d like to conduct your day. All I ask is that you evaluate your conversation, realize it sucks, and step your game up.

If you have anything to add feel free to comment… Maybe we could get a… good conversations going?!

Conan O’Brien continued his gag of having his writers come up with a list of options for him (a continuation of another bit where he listed some of the rumors). The include several good jabs, including one at the end that seems sarcastic only in Conan actually doing it. Take a look.

Meanwhile, Conan’s old rival, Craig Ferguson, responded with a simple ‘who gives a f—?’, and mocked the fact that himself and Letterman were now the stable ones.

But one person who really enjoyed himself was David Letterman. A good chunk of his jokes, including his Top Ten, delved into the subject. Including one great sight gag I won’t describe, you have to see it on video (which I will post when it comes online). And he closed it all off wondering if he, in fact, still had a show.

UPDATE: And now Colbert weighs in, with the help of Morgan Freeman.

Stand up, Chuck, and say farewell to the decade with Huffington Post’s guide to The Dumbest Quotes Of The 2000s.

December 21, 2009

To Whom It May Concern:

Fail – verb: 1) to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved 2) used colloquially, an interjection used when one disapproves of something.  See also: US Airways

After my experience flying with US Airways this past weekend, I can only hope that every dictionary from this point forward includes the above entry.  Of course, this inclusion would instantly make it the single most accurately defined word in the entire English language.  Please allow me to describe to you the details, better known as my own personal hell, of the worst travel experience of my life.

It started on Friday night when I logged online to discover that my flight on Saturday had been canceled due to the blizzard that hit Philadelphia.  I understand that weather delays are beyond your control, and I was more than willing to reschedule.  I logged on to your website to change my reservation only to find that I was required to call an 800 number rather than use the Internet.  I figured that a decade into the 21^st century, a company would have realized that the Internet is a powerful tool that can be used to make processes more efficient and decrease the call volume to what was going to assuredly be an overbooked 800 number.  I was wrong.  I called the number and was told by the automated service that my wait would be 30 minutes.  “Fair enough,” I thought to myself.  I knew that the weather delays had forced the cancellation of numerous flights and many people would be calling to reschedule.  What I was not expecting was the FIVE HOURS I sat on hold (six times longer than my expected wait) only to be disconnected.  When I called back, I was told that the new wait time was a staggering 344 minutes.  Well, at least the system was being more honest now.  Not wanting to spend another 5.75 hours on the phone, I hung up.  Minutes later, just for kicks and giggles, I dialed again, was told to wait four minutes, and immediately was put through to a live ticket agent in half that time (apparently in Mumbai, India, as the customer service representative barely spoke English) where I was able to rebook my flight.  How many people were able to instantly get through while I, along with God only knows how many others, wasted our evenings patiently waiting on hold for someone to pick up?  I know for a fact that I was not the only one as a brief search for “US Air” on Twitter currently turns up people complaining about waits of 258, 223, and 178 minutes among others.  This, of course, does not include tweets like, “@emollick – For the record, USAir’s ‘47 minute wait’ on the phone is now 2 hours.”  Actually, it is worth 30 minutes of your time to do a search for “USAir” on Twitter solely to see the pure anger and frustration that has been bestowed on those who made the unfortunate decision to book a flight with your airline.

Expecting massive delays, I showed up to the airport Sunday morning at 9:15 AM for my 5:55 PM flight.  I’m glad I did as I proceeded to wait in line for an hour waiting to speak to a customer service representative only to be informed that I, along with approximately 20 fellow passengers, had been waiting in the wrong line the entire time.  How did we get that impression?  It could have something to do with the fact that we were all given a special 800 number to call as we were told that this would make the process at the counter easier.  No one felt the need to inform us that the line we were waiting in was only for those who were supposed to have flights take off before noon that had been canceled.  A simple sign, PA announcement, letter, or carrier pigeon would have gone a long way in not upsetting a number of people. 

After finally getting through the other line I waited in for another hour, I began my soul crushingly long wait in the Philadelphia airport for my anticipated 5:55 PM flight.  After another cancellation or two due to weather (even though not a flake of snow fell in Philadelphia all day and Indianapolis had clear skies), my flight was re-booked for a 9:05 PM departure.  As we waited, those of us waiting to board (which included people waiting to fly to Buffalo which was the flight before Indianapolis) bonded over our growing frustration regarding and outright hatred for US Airways.  The situation peaked when the Buffalo flight was canceled, and naturally people lined up at the gate ticket counter to reschedule their flight for the umpteenth time.  They proceeded to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Why?  They waited because there was NO ONE at the ticket counter (Gate C17) for a solid 30-40 minutes to help.  Not thinking anyone would believe me when I told them about this outrageous display of customer disservice, I took a picture of the scene which can be viewed at www.twitpic.com/ufmfk.  Were any of us offered so much as free water, soft drinks, or snacks?  No, of course not.  I commented to my fellow passengers that even death row inmates got treated better; at least they get a free meal. 

Just as we had started Googling “how to build an airplane” after being convinced that we could pool enough money together to build the Wright Brothers’ plane from Kittyhawk to get us home faster, a glimmer of hope arose.  The ticket booth agent finally returned and assured us over the PA system that our plane had arrived, half the crew was there, and we were merely waiting on the other half of the crew to arrive before our flight would finally take off.  Finally the end was in sight.  Of course, that would result in us being satisfied customers, and we couldn’t have that now could we?  Sure enough, 15 minutes later our flight was canceled with no explanation given.  Did the other half of the crew get lost?  Did they forget they were supposed to work?  Were they forced to stare into the Neuralyzer featured in the Men in Black movies and have their memories erased regarding where they should be?  No one knows.  The entire day was capped off by a US Airways employee openly complaining about how tired she was and how she just wanted to go home.  Let me assure you that this is actually the exact opposite of what those of us who had been in the airport for hours (or days in some cases) wanted to hear. 

This morning (Monday), my 10:35 AM flight was delayed yet again as the previous plane going to Atlanta took longer than usual to pull away from the gate.  At this point, I was convinced that if I tried to sell my story to a Hollywood producer, he would reject it for being too unbelievable.  Nonetheless, I waited out the delay and went to board my flight.  As my ticket was scanned, I found that US Airways had started giving away the seats of those of us that had tickets to those waiting on standby.  Upon scanning one person’s ticket, the service representative remarked, “Oh, you’re one of the people whose seat I gave away to a standby passenger.  Please wait in the next line to get a new ticket.”  How this did not cause a riot, I am not sure.  To recap, US Airways managed to overbook an already sold out flight, then proceeded to award standby passengers seats in place of those that had tickets.  Alas, my plane finally took off and landed safely in Indianapolis.  After going down to baggage claim, I began to search online for the number to the Vatican as I wanted to report a modern day miracle: somehow, my bags had arrived on time.  Thank you for that.  Much appreciated.

Once again, I’d like to reiterate that this was the worst travel experience of my life.  I lived in the snow belt of Cleveland, Ohio, for 18 years; trust me, I understand that bad weather happens.  I understand that airports are busy, and delays are a normal consequence of flying.  I can forgive that.  What I cannot forgive is the failure of US Airways over things which you have complete control.  The staff was rude, incompetent, disinterested, and routinely failed in informing its passengers on the latest information.  Offering free food or drinks could have gone a long way in keeping all of our tempers under control.  For that matter, not having staff disappear for a half hour would have done the same thing.  If this was an isolated incident, I could almost, ALMOST forgive it and simply chalk it up to a bad experience.  However, I encourage you to go to http://bit.ly/4vKSlf and read the reviews people have posted regarding their experiences with US Airways.  Be sure to note comments such as “Worst flight experience of my life,” “Easily the worst flights since I had the misfortune to fly on Varig,” “Absolutely the worst airline we have ever flown, primarily due to the extremely poor customer service,” and “We had a seriously bad experience on the international leg.”  I’d share more, but that would require clicking on the second page of reviews. 

If you have made it through this entire letter without ripping it up, throwing it out, or burning it, thank you.  It will have been the most attention that US Airways has shown me in the past few days.  Under no circumstances would I like to see you compensate me for my troubles by offering a free flight in the future.  Rest assured, I never plan on flying with your airline ever again.  I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy, let alone myself again.  I intend to tell all of my friends, family, and perhaps random people on the street to do the same.  The only appropriate solution I see is to issue a full refund in the amount of $391.20 for my troubles.  I look forward to hearing your response.  Happy Holidays!

Sincerely,

Eric Maroun

• 15% of cell-owning teens (ages 12-17) says they’ve received sexually suggestive nude or nearly nude images or videos of themselves to someone else via text messaging. That’s 1 in 6.
• 4% of the same group say they’ve sent the same.

Either some whorish teens are up to no good (Tiger?!) or we’ve got some liars in the mix. *gasp* Lying teens on a survey of sexual habits? Blame Gossip Girl and Adam Lambert!

Statistics almost double when looking at the older audience:

• 8% of 17-year-olds with cell phones have sent a sexually provocative image by text
• 30% have received a nude or nearly nude image on their phone.

Pew’s study gives in-depth look at some key responses from the 800 teens surveyed in Denver. In their honesty and naivety some are notably amusing.

“Yes, I do. I only do it with my girlfriend b/c we have already been sexually active with each other,” wrote one older high school age boy. “It’s not really a big deal.”

Glad you two saved the exciting stuff for last.

This girl, meanwhile, gives us some insight as to high school popularity in 2009.

“If a guy wants to hookup with you, he’ll send a pictures of his private parts or a naked picture of him[self]. It happens about 10 times a month,” explained one older high school girl. “It’s mostly the guys I date or just a guy that…really wants to hook up with you. I’m not really that type of person [who sends sexts], but I have friends who have.”

A younger high school male gives us the equivalent of, “Well I don’t think she should dress like a slut but I’m not going to stop it …”

“Yes I have received some pics that include nudity. Girls will send them sometimes, not often. I don’t know why they think it’s a good idea but I’m not going to stop it. Sometimes a guy will get one and forward it to all his friends.”

Absent from this study are surveys of those actually using text messaging to sext. While less obscene on the surface, anyone who drinks under sexual pressure knows a horny160 characters can cause as much havoc as a 160 kilobyte picture. It makes neither more appropriate, but pictures are serving as as a scapegoat for a wider range of sexuality promiscuity that is no more familiar to this generation of teens than the early Millenials. The results demonstrate the confusing process of adolescence in a sex-driven society, and the continuing need for comprehensive education and guiding minds through it all.

Too bad there’s not an app for that.

Most Watched YouTube videos (Global):
1. Susan Boyle – Britain’s Got Talent (120+ million views)
2. David After Dentist (37+ million views)
3. JK Wedding Entrance Dance (33+ million views)
4. New Moon Movie Trailer (31+ million views)
5. Evian Roller Babies (27+ million views)

Here are this year’s top pop culture events, inadvertently presented by month as YouTube search terms.

Fastest Rising YouTube search terms by month (U.S.):

January: obama inauguration

February: on a boat

March: watchmen

April: susan boyle

May: pacquiao

June: michael jackson thriller

July: wedding [JK Wedding Entrance Dance]

August: send it on

September: kanye west

October: paranormal activity

November: adam lambert

December: tiger woods

YouTube adds that [michael jackson] was this year’s fastest growing search term and [michael jackson thriller] became the fastest rising search on YouTube in 2009, too.

So don’t worry, Tiger, it’s still not all about you.

Just for comparison, here’s the International version at the same time:

This is rivaled tonight by the most popular stories module (U.S. edition) on an article on the Buffalo Continental crash, seen below:

In case you’re wondering, CNNi”s edition, below:

Way to go, America. (Sorry, Chris Brown?)

Book Founder Mark Zuckerberg opened up his profile to the public to support the new privacy settings, even if it was rumored accidental. Just because he did doesn’t mean you’re as obligated; though we’d really appreciate it if you could leave those holiday party photos unlocked for just a few more days … We’ve never seen that done with a bottle of Jack and a ferret, either.

We digress. Welcome to the (surprisingly serious) Bewildered Society guide to protecting your Facebook privacy and digital identity. We’re breaking down the new settings to give you a better understanding of what the hell you should do if you’re trying to hide those questionable college photos from your soon-to-be-boss.

It’s likely you’ve already encountered the following options screen from Facebook this week:

At the previously linked story above explains, there is some concern for Facebook’s “recommended” settings in the above screen. The argument: It’s asking you to share more than you ever did while making it seem like you’re locking more down. Best bet here? Leave everything as “Old Settings” and manually tour the new privacy settings area yourself. You can access that new area from the Facebook navigation area under the “Settings” drop-down menu.

The new Facebook privacy tools are divided into 5 categories:

• Profile info
• Contact info
• Applications and external websites
• Searches
• Block list

We’ll examine the first 4 in detail.  The 5th is pretty self-explanatory, add anyone you want to keep away from your Facebook life to the list and as far as they’re considered, you aren’t even on Facebook.

It is worth your time to go through all of your privacy options, section by section, line by line.  The last thing you want to find out a year from now is that you’ve been inadvertently sharing the pictorial evidence of your 21st birthday with the world.

Profile Information

Decide who can view the basic information in your profile, such as your “about me”, your birthday, etc. You do this by clicking on the drop down menu on the right side of the screen.

Some interpretations of the above options:

• “Everyone” will share that particular information with essentially everyone on the internet.  Think carefully before choosing this option.
• “Friends and Networks” will share with everyone you’re friends with, AND everyone in all of your networks (your school, work, etc.) That’s still a wide web.
• “Friends of Friends” will share with everyone you’re friends with AND all of their friends.
• “Only Friends” shares with your peeps and your peeps alone.
• The “Custom” option allows you to select specific friends and/or specific networks to share the data with, as well as the opportunity to block certain people from this particular information.

Another vital component of the Profile Information section are photo albums settings.  The setting for photos and videos of you tagged by others works the same as the rest of the items.  The settings for photo albums that you have uploaded yourself are more complicated:

Clicking “edit settings” for Photo Albums takes you to a page which lists all of your albums individually.  For each album you can select who can view the photos using the same “everyone”, “my networks and friends”, etc. scheme explained above.

Again, you have the option of setting custom settings for each album.  The custom settings menu allows you to choose specifically who (if anyone) can view the photos either by individuals or entire networks.

Contact Information
This section works similarly to the Profile Information section, it lists individual contact information, and allows you select who can see each.  Again there is a “Custom” option that allows you to fine tune specifically who can or cannot view any particular information.

Applications and Websites

This section allows you to determine which Facebook applications and external websites are allowed to access what information in your profile, and what information they are allowed to publish to your newsfeed.  However tedious, it is worthwhile to examine every application and website one by one to make sure the settings are what you really want.

The applications and websites settings section is divided into 4 sections. 

“What You Share” will present you with a list of all the applications currently active with your profile, and you can go down that list and decide what each application can do.  This includes details like who can see that you have the application installed, whether it appears as a “tab” along the top of your profile, as well as what (if anything) it can publish to your newsfeed. An example of that window:

HERE’S A BIG ONE: “What Friends Can Share” lets you select what applications that your friends are using can access from your profile.  It is a long list of potential data, so think carefully. This may be the most underestimated tool in terms of importance.

Search Settings

The ability to kill your search-ability is not a brand new feature, but it’s something many users overlooked when it launched. As with the other privacy settings, this screen lets you choose who (everyone, friends, friends of friends, etc.) will be able to find you when they search your name or email address on Facebook. Additionally, you can decide whether you want your Facebook profile to appear in results when someone Googles your name.

[Dave Studinski contributed to this post.]